lifestylesupportguru

Tag: wine

The Perfect Host

Hosting guests

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru!
Some time ago, I posted some advice on being the PERFECT GUEST. This evening I wish to expand on this, having hosted a weekend of VISITORS

. This time, if you follow this advice, you will ensure that everyone has a WONDERFUL TIME, whether as HOST or GUEST. Although there may seem to be a lot of instructions, they are really quite easy to follow and require little more than a group bus ticket and some stamina.

1. GUESTS should coordinate their arrival perfectly to ensure they all turn up at the same time – this means that the HOST has no time to worry about those last-minute arrangements, such as fresh flowers, which always add that little welcoming touch, I think. That said, I’m not sure that three hulking men away for a weekend of watching rugby and football would necessarily have noticed a lovely flower arrangement so, on second thoughts, don’t bother with the flowers. So there you are: you already have less to worry about!
2. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.

wine

3. Take your GUESTS and other friends on a tour of the local area to show them the lovely sights of Derbyshire – the Little Chester Ale House, the Black Bull’s Head, the Thorn Tree, the Five Lamps, the Coach and Horses (bar AND lounge).
4. Check how much wine you have in the fridge
5. One GUEST may tell you that he ALWAYS wakes up early, so he’ll go out for a walk in the morning to avoid disturbing everyone else. The HOST will come downstairs at about 9 the next morning to find the insomniac GUEST still

Laughing Cat

fast asleep on the sofa bed. The HOST should clean up the little mess on the carpet at the bottom of the bed which has been kindly left by one of the cats, but which has not woken the GUEST, even though the noise of a cat being sick is usually enough to wake the dead.
6. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
7. Supply tea, coffee, toast as required, then wonder what the neighbours will think of one GUEST wandering around the garden in a t-shirt and underpants, which he decides will suffice instead of going for an early morning walk.
8. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
9. The HOST should have a shower and stay upstairs drying hair and trying to repair the ravages of the previous day’s excesses so that GUESTS have time to wash up cups and plates (before the HOST points to the dishwasher).
10. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
11. The HOST should take the GUESTS to a restaurant to taste the local specialities – a selection of tapas – before the party heads to another local hostelry (the Golden Eagle) for an afternoon’s rugby and more local specialities, this time garlic Scotch eggs. Eventually, at 9 pm, the insomniac GUEST will decide that he’s had enough so will be escorted home by the HOST who should ensure that he makes it safely to bed before returning to meet up again with the other GUESTS. The Ale House and Coach once more benefit from the GUESTS (minus one) and HOST wishing to make sure that they have no money (or brain cells) left at the end of the day.
12. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.

Large glass red wine

13. Wave goodbye to GUESTS the following morning (well, two out of three guests – one is having so much fun, he decides to stay another night).
14. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
15. Monday morning: wave goodbye to the final GUEST after showing him the little dead bird that another of the cats felt would be a spectacular leaving present… and BREATHE!
16. Check how much wine you have in the house.

Satisfaction guaranteed with very little effort.

Embarrassment At The Pub

Wet and cold

A very good (but wet and cold) evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru!
I realise I haven’t offered any advice recently, and I know that many of you rely on such advice to help you negotiate your way safely along this treacherous pathway that is LIFE. I had originally intended offering some words of wisdom on ARTY-FARTY matters. (Sadly, predictive text changed that to ARTY-FATTY , which is probably a more accurate description.)
The original advice was to include a warning about ice cream vans and how they might be driven by psychopathic maniacs (courtesy of Stephen King’s ‘Mr Mercedes’) and how some people think that the Merchant of Venice is Shylock. Ha! I know better! (And I’m not showing off – that’s another story altogether!) However, since arriving in the pub (simply to gain inspiration, you understand), I have realised that life in the pub is much more interesting, valuable, fun and, as you will learn, EMBARRASSING for the LSG!

EMBARRASSING? FOR THE LSG? Yes, and I am sad – nay, distraught even! – because of it. My

woman and purse

reputation is tarnished. It was when I ordered my drink at the bar and reached for my purse to pay that I realised I had – for the first time EVER! – left my purse at home! Horror! I knew exactly where I’d left it – next to the china elephant piggy bank and the little yellow pot with an Alzheimer’s Society pin badge in it (rather ironic in the circumstances) on the mantelpiece.

But what was (almost!) even more EMBARRASSING was that the bar staff have been perfectly prepared to give me credit all evening because, as they said, ‘We know you’ll be in tomorrow.’ Needless to say, I didn’t bother traipsing all the way back home (a long trek – all of 5 minutes on a slow day), but took advantage of their kind offer – 3 bottles of wine, seven packets of crisps and five ham rolls later, I am having a lot of fun for someone with no money!

karaoke

In addition, I have also had free entertainment, courtesy of a little Yorkshire woman who thought the pub might wish to listen to her rendition of ‘Don’t Cry For me, Argentina’. The reasons for this were never properly explained. On top of that, her brother also felt compelled to entertain the pub in his own way, offering a selection of (Yorkshire) jokes for everyone’s amusement (apparently). I have now realised that, should I wish to spend much time in Yorkshire, I will need to have a sense of humour bypass. (Only joking, Yorkshire!)
So, there you have it – an evening in the pub offers value for money in so many ways. Care in the community! Who needs ART when LIFE is so much more FUN?
Have a lovely (soggy) weekend, dear followers!

Being Healthy is Bad For Your Health!

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! This evening I am going to share some thoughts with you on BEING HEALTHY. Many of you may be surprised at this because you may not particularly associate the LSG with a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE and that is exactly why I am writing this, simply because BEING HEALTHY is, in fact, BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

Water

1. I have tried drinking more water recently because this is supposed to be GOOD FOR YOU. This is completely FALSE. From my personal experience, all I have found is that it makes you go to the toilet more often, which means that you flush the toilet more often, which means that your water bill goes up if you are on a water meter. This will give you sleepless nights worrying about spending more than a penny, so your blood pressure will go up, which is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. In addition, you will find that you need to go to the toilet more often during the night, which means that you do not get a good night’s sleep. This is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
2. I have tried to get a little more exercise (‘little’ being the operative word), but I have gained very little benefit from this. For example, I went for a walk last Friday, an uphill trek through the countryside, on a very hot day, getting stung by nettles and attacked by brambles and insects.

Walking

Upon arrival at the top of the (steep) hill, I went to some nearby toilets (see 1) and looked in the mirror (a grave mistake) to find a beetroot-coloured face with mascara streaks looking back at me. The mascara streaks were caused by the sweat running down my face. (Did I mention it was a VERY hot day?) In addition, you will find that you are covered in little bites and scratches, which is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH because they could so easily turn septic and then you will die, which is DEFINITELY BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

wine

3. I cut down on my wine consumption, thinking that this would be HEALTHY. This is FALSE! I now get less exercise(see 2) from fewer trips back and forth to the fridge, so this must be BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

Having tried these methods of BEING HEALTHY, I can honestly say that they DON’T WORK! I haven’t lost any weight – in fact, I have gained it. At this point, some of you will think of telling me that I have gained weight because some fat has turned to muscle and that muscle weighs more than fat. This is FALSE! I have the same number of muscles as before, so that cannot be true!
So, what lessons have I learned?
1. Water doesn’t taste nice.
2. Exercise makes you go bright red – not a good look.
3. Cutting back on wine could create more unemployment.

BEING HEALTHY is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!

Organise A Family Games and Quiz Night – NOT!

daffodil

A very happy St David’s Day to all my followers from the Lifestyle Support Guru! The sun is shining, the birds are singing and all’s well with the world, so I thought I would help improve the day by sharing one of life’s important lessons – HOW TO ORGANISE A FAMILY GAMES AND QUIZ NIGHT.
Like some of my followers, the ten rules are simple…

1. Make sure that the person who has asked you to run the FAMILY GAMES AND QUIZ NIGHT has had no access to the 6 Nations Rugby timetable, so you have to miss the second half of an important game in order to get to the venue on time. This means you will also miss an important try.
(Get a glass of wine to help you make it through the night.)

glass of red wine

2. Make sure that the person mentioned in 1. doesn’t realise that you are not really that fond of little children as the place begins to fill with overexcited, hyperactive small people.
(Take a large gulp of wine.)
3. Make sure that one of the teams is a Spanish family, so their chances of winning are low (as is your knowledge of Spanish). Frantically text a WONDERUL friend who you think has nothing better to do on a Saturday night than tell you how to say ‘Good evening’ in Spanish. (Thank you,Karen!)
(Take a large gulp of wine.)

Social Awareness Quiz

4. Make sure that you forget to bring the answers to the three handout rounds on Disney and the Mr Men, which were designed to keep the small people entertained and quiet.
(Take a VERY large gulp of wine.)
5. Make sure that there is no wi-fi at the venue, so you are unable to access the missing answers on your computer at home from your smartphone.
(Take a large gulp of wine.)
6. Make sure that you have a WONDERFUL friend who has nothing better to do on a Saturday night than come to your aid and text you the names of 15 Disney heroines so that you can use at least one of the handout rounds. (Thank you again, Karen!)
(Take a large gulp of wine in gratitude.)
7. Give out the Peppa Pig ‘beetle drive’ sheets and get bored after three games, so call a halt to that and send all the small people to the tuck shop for another sugar ‘high’.
(Take more wine.)

Large glass red wine

8. Ask the quiz questions and apologise constantly to the Spanish family for the questions on English nursery rhymes and English phrases and sayings. You weren’t to know that foreigners would turn up!
(More wine.)
9. Make sure that one team turns up an hour and a half after the evening started and that their children are already high as kites and wind up all the other small people (who had just been coming down from their last sugar rush).
(More wine.)
10. Give out the bingo cards for the final, thrilling section of the evening and make sure that the person drawing the numbers out for you is the slowest person in the world and seems to think you have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than sit waiting for each number to be slowly drawn out of the bag. After three games you get bored (again) and wonder what it would be like to stick white-hot pins in your eyes.
(No wine left.)

And that, dear acolytes, is how to run a successful FAMILY GAMES AND QUIZ NIGHT – and get a large round of applause at the end because everyone’s had a good time, despite the fact that you feel like you’ve been through a fast spin cycle! The only cure for that is to retire to the nearest hostelry and go through the wine process again, but without the other bits in between! Enjoy St. David’s Day!

Scientific Analysis of Places to Live (NOT)

Good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight (because everything on telly is rubbish and I haven’t got enough money on me to go to the pub because I forgot to go to the cashpoint…) I am going to share some scientific analysis which may help you to choose where you might wish to live, or at least advise your children/grandchildren/friends/colleagues/best friends/soulmates/significant others/people you don’t like/anyone else you know on their future places of residence.

Those of you who read my last post will remember that I mentioned Doodlay and the mathematical problems they have there – i.e. bottle of wine £11.60, but three large glasses of same wine, which equal a bottle, for £10.50. I have found a similar ‘offer’ here in DERBY!!! A sign outside a city centre pub this morning said ‘Large breakfast for £3.95’. And the offer? ‘Two for £8’!!!

So, where is the scientific analysis, you might ask? Well, the conclusion is obvious – places that begin with a ‘D’ have a problem with maths! So, don’t move to Doodlay, Derby (tough luck if you’re already here; put your house up for sale immediately!), Dagenham, Denbigh, Derry, Dundee, Derryhowlaght West (couldn’t find a Derryhowlaght East, North or South, or even a Derryhowlaght on its own, so they may have a problem with geography as well as maths) or Dwygyfylchi – and the last place is probably best avoided anyway because very few people will be able to pronounce it, let alone work out sums about glasses of wine and breakfast… In fact, the only way you’d come close to the correct pronunciation is to have a glass of wine WITH your breakfast!

← Older Posts

Newer Posts →