lifestylesupportguru

Category: Wine

Testing Times

Sauvignon Blanc

As the Lifestyle Support Guru, I feel that I need to test you from time to time. Fear not, though, fair followers, I shall not be giving you grades or putting you into league tables – no, no, no, this is purely to check how well you feel you know the LSG after having followed my musings and teachings for many moons. I shall ask a few questions and you will need to consider what the answer might be from a choice of three. I shall give the correct answers at the end, so no cheating and scrolling to the end before you have attempted the questions – think of this as the 11-plus for entry into the Grammar School of Life (the LSG’s GSL, so to speak).
The test should be completed in silence but you have as much time as you want to answer all the questions and you are permitted to have a glass of your particular choice of refreshment, such as wine, by your side to help you lubricate your brain cells – it is a known fact that dehydration slows down the thinking process; this why I am such a quick thinker because I never let dehydration slow me down.

1. Whenever I am at home, I always know when it is 12.45 p.m. without looking at a clock or my watch or listening to the radio. How do I know this?
a. Watching television
b. Nearby church bell chimes
c. An alarm clock permanently set at 12.45

2. You are in a pub ( use your imagination if you don’t usually go to a pub) and a woman with a

Wales

husky (the husky is actually irrelevant), upon finding out you are Welsh (if you’re not, again use your imagination and picture yourself as one of the luckiest people in the world), says that she would love to go to a certain Welsh town to see where The Prisoner was filmed. Where did she say she wanted to go?
a. Portmeirion
b. Port Talbot
c. Porthcawl

3. Another woman (same pub – can you see a pattern emerging here?), who has drunk a little more than is perhaps good for her (or for those in close proximity) asks if you pray. When you say that you don’t, she asks a follow-up question with a growing look of horror on her face: You’re not a/an … are you? What does she think you are:
a. A lycanthrope
b. A Buddhist
c. An atheist

4. Two sensible-looking men are in a pub (different pub from previous questions – just to add variety) and having a profound conversation about a forthcoming meeting. Are they discussing:
a. Deconstructing neoliberalism
b. Masculine fragility
c. Brexit and xenophobia

5. You are in a restaurant (makes a change from a pub) and you see a wedding group come out of the Register Office opposite – you can’t miss the group because the bridesmaids are in bright purple – and congregate in the Market Place for photos. What is the bridegroom holding in his right hand:
a. The bride’s left hand
b. A can of energy drink
c. His willy

The answers are: 1: c (I can’t work out how to turn it off); 2: b; 3: c; 4: all three (god, it was boring!); 5: b (don’t anyone try to tell me romance is dead! But wouldn’t you have loved it to be c or even all three?)

How did you do?
• 4 or 5 out of 5 – you may take my place when I’m on holiday
• 2 or 3 out of 5 – more practice and visits to the pub
• 0 or 1 out of 5 – you haven’t really paid attention to anything I’ve said over the last couple of years, have you?

The Pub May Not Always Be What It Seems…

Drinks!

I AM the Lifestyle Support Guru, so why do I do it? Why do I put myself through such misery? Why do I go to the pub?

I have been advised by my doctor to take ‘gentle strolls’ for a (sometimes) painful leg, which had been a particular nuisance today, preventing me from doing any housework, which devastated me, as you can imagine. When the pain eventually disappeared – but far too late in the day to even think of doing any cleaning or fetching the washing in – I felt that a gentle stroll (with a slight limp) to the Ale House would fit perfectly with doctor’s orders.
I settled myself down with a purely medicinal glass of wine, only to find that the two ‘older’ gentlemen in the corner were rather hard of hearing AND had their hearing aids turned up too far, which meant the gentlemen were shouting at each other while their hearing aids were whistling at each other, completely drowning out the gentle background heavy metal music.

To add to this, in walked a female customer who is very nice, but known for her ability to talk the hind leg off several donkeys, regardless of whether she knows the donkeys or not.

donkey laughing

Normally, she stands in another part of the pub but, for some reason, she came and sat down next to me. (Perhaps she recognises a true Guru?) My heart sank, partly because only yesterday an obvious axe murderer (see earlier blogs on identifying axe murderers) had opened up a conversation with me and now I was about to have to take part in a conversation about donkeys’ hind legs. She asked me if I was ‘still studying’ (I’m not sure what she thinks I’ve been studying on my laptop for the last couple of years), so I said I was just reading emails and made a point of looking back at my laptop (where I’m on level 1332 of Pet Rescue Saga).
Donkey Lady then took out a book – the first time I’ve ever seen her do that – and started reading it. Nothing unusual there – until she started laughing and clearly wanted me to ask her why she was laughing.
Beloved LSG followers, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ask someone what they are laughing at, because they will tell you and I can GUARANTEE you will not find it funny AT ALL! I avoided the temptation and decided a further gentle stroll to the next public house would be of benefit, especially since it is nearer home.

Once again, I settle myself down and, once again, find myself disturbed by laughter, this time from a younger gentleman who is laughing at something on his laptop – I don’t think I want to ask what, given my own warning above.

And, finally, in comes THE CHOIR for refreshment after tonight’s rehearsal – a choir which I admire mainly for their matching red polo shirts. You know that, at some point, they will spontaneously burst into song, but you hope to have finished your second restorative glass of wine and have limped back home by then…
And, as the strains of ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ ring out (a Tuesday night ‘special’), I wend my weary way home…

Sleep well

Living The High Life!

Rucksack

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru.
I had considered giving some advice on avoiding little old ladies in pubs who whisper, ‘Can I ask for your advice?’, as happened to me about 30 minutes ago – as it turned out, she wanted to know what she should do about a rucksack she had found at a bus stop on her way home from the pub the other night. The police no longer accept lost property, so she said; I suggested getting in touch with the bus company but she said she didn’t have a ‘slidey phone’ like mine, just an ordinary one at home. ‘Ah,’ I exclaimed, ‘a landline! You can use that instead.’ (Thinks: you’re not getting a free phone call on my phone – I’m on a pension too, you know, AND I know you get a taxi to and from the pub every night AND you manage quite a few vodkas over the evening before you head back to a pub nearer where you live. Not that I’m judging, you understand. Who am I to judge?) I gave her the necessary numbers, which I found on my slidey phone. Still, at least she didn’t want advice on bladder control, which was what I first thought – I shouldn’t have liked to discuss that over my Sauvignon Blanc, I have to be honest.

Anyway, enough of little old ladies (LOLs for short); I know that you, my devoted followers, are

Cheshire

far more interested in knowing what life can be like in the fast lane, as experienced by my male siblings and me in Cheshire at the weekend as we prepared to send DOT off on the next stage of his life (or having fun whilst working, as I call it). These are the rules, as far as I could work out:
1. A Range Rover is absolutely essential for driving up and down the main street and parking outside small boutique shops where the sales are on and a pair of tights is reduced from £40 to £20 – a bargain!
2. The Range Rover must be black or white; no other colour is acceptable (or even available, judging by the car showrooms we passed).
3. The Range Rover must not look as if it has been anywhere near something that might resemble an off-road route for which it was originally designed.
4. The only other acceptable vehicles are: BMW (black), Audi (deep red); Mercedes (silver); anything convertible, providing it’s a Bentley or a cute little Italian job in pale green.
5. All women (except the LSG, who is above such ‘rules’ because her ‘diet’ doesn’t allow for it) must be stick thin and wear tight black dresses (bought in the sale, a bargain at £390) and very high heels.
6. Restaurants are not called ‘restaurants’; they are either an ‘Eatery’, a ‘Grill’ or a ‘Food House’.
7. The ‘house wine’ will be sold out and the next available ‘house’ wine will be at least £6 more expensive than the already-expensive house wine.
8. Red wine and coke is a ‘classic Spanish cocktail’, according to one menu – just trying to remember how many Spaniards I’ve seen quaffing this delightful combination.

It’s just like being abroad, but you don’t have to learn the language! Happy holidays!

Good Neighbour Bad Neighbour

Being a Good Neighbour
A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru. Tonight I wish to offer some useful advice on how to be a BAD neighbour or a GOOD neighbour. I have recently ‘acquired’ a new neighbour and I have learned rapidly from this experience just exactly what constitutes a BAD neighbour and felt that you may benefit from my advice so that you can be a GOOD neighbour.

Bad neighbour

To be a BAD neighbour, you must:
1. be blonde, slim and athletic-looking and wear fitted clothing that shows off your figure to advantage. This will ensure that your GOOD neighbour feels totally inadequate.
2. have cleared your garden of all weeds and long grass, installed a nice wooden garden bench, put up a new clothes line and scrubbed the wall at the bottom of the garden of its coat of peeling paint, all within the space of a few days. Again, this will create great feelings of inadequacy in your GOOD neighbour.
3. have a housewarming party which is not too noisy and finishes at 10.30 pm, so that the GOOD neighbour feels guilty for wondering at what time she will be able to complain to the police.
4. fill your bin (which is about four feet high) to overflowing with black bin liners, then, in one bound, leap athletically and lithely on top of the aforementioned bin liners and jump up and down on them in a graceful manner to make sure they fit in the bin. This should be done when the GOOD neighbour has just returned from a hard morning’s shopping and is loaded down with purchases; by now the GOOD neighbour will be contemplating moving to find a more congenial neighbour.
5. enjoy the early evening warmth by sitting on the garden bench with an attractive man and sip delicately from a bottle of water rather than the glass of wine which the GOOD neighbour is contemplating whilst looking up house prices in a more downmarket area.
To be a GOOD neighbour, you must:

Wild Life Friendly Garden

1. be overweight, wear loose clothing as a disguise and have greying hair. In this way, you create no feelings of insecurity in any other neighbours.
2. maintain what is known as a ‘wildlife garden’, ensuring that there are plenty of flowering weeds which are, apparently, attractive to bees. Thus, you are helping the environment.
3. have no parties because you do not wish to disturb your neighbours (and it would mean cleaning and tidying up and the cats don’t like parties, anyway).
4. only leap up and down (athletically or otherwise) when you tread on one of the cats or the drawing pin you forgot to pick up several days ago.
5. enjoy the early evening warmth by going out to the pub where, as far as you know, they don’t sell water. Thus, you are helping the local economy.
You will have gathered from this that being a GOOD neighbour is far less tiring and requires much less effort than being a BAD neighbour. In addition, you are saving energy environmentally because less electricity will be used if you are in the pub rather than sitting at home; added to this, you will also have had some physical exercise because you walked to the pub, although probably not quite as much exercise as jumping up and down in a bin, but with a far more enjoyable outcome.
And now let’s finish with a short chorus of: “Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours…”

Around the World with the Lifestyle Support Guru

Alfreton by Dave Bevis

I realised I hadn’t dispensed any advice for a little while and I worry about my devoted followers drifting along life’s meandering streams without the benefit of sound guidance. Therefore, in a bid to open your eyes and minds to the wonders of the world around us, I have travelled far and wide and I am overjoyed to be able to introduce you to the wonders and delights of… Alfreton (or Olfreton, as the locals say, for some unknown reason).
Alfreton is a former mining town (going back to my roots) in Derbyshire; on the website about the town, it stated that there were 10 pubs in the town centre, which seemed as good a reason as any for visiting and spending a night there (and a cheap hotel deal helped), so off I set to meet up with youngest sibling (siblings really are such useful creatures at times).
The first thing you need to know is that time has no meaning in Alfreton – it exists in a space-time continuum which may have been the inspiration for Dr Who. This is particularly the case with taxis, where ten minutes turns into forty. (Actually, I think there may only be one taxi in the town.)
Secondly, I don’t think they can have had any ‘numeracy hours’ in Alfreton schools because there were nowhere near 10 pubs in the town centre – more like three! The first pub had a DJ and disco, complete with glitter ball, and a clientele with an average age of 60 – and it was only that low because sibling and I walked in.
The second pub described itself as ‘a traditional pub’ – that depends entirely on your definition of ‘traditional’, of course. If you have a picture of a quaint pub with a roaring fire and locals drinking pints of real ale, try again. It was actually the locals who were roaring, not the fire.
You may decide to try a local Chinese restaurant which comes highly recommended – once again the ‘time-space continuum’ comes into play because we had the fastest service ever and there was one point when I thought they were going to remove our plates before we’d even finished eating!

Sauvignon Blanc

After this fine dining experience, you decide to try the relative sophistication of the nearby Wetherspoons and ask what dry white wines they have. The barman reels off a list: ‘Do you want Shiraz, Merlot, Malbec or Cabernet Sauvignon?’ You gently reply, with a small smile, ‘Those aren’t white wines.’ ‘Oh, aren’t they?’ says the barman. ‘What colour did you ask for?’ Sigh.
And then you return to the ‘space-time continuum’ as you find that the local taxis (or rather, taxi – singular) seem to stop working after 11 on a Friday night, so it’s time for a quick yomp (or slow in the LSG’s case) back to the hotel, entering the grounds via a gap in the hedge to save having to walk all the way round to the proper entrance. You just hope that no one is watching you from their room as you clamber through the hedge and scramble up a grassy slope towards the hotel.
And that, dear devotees, is Alfreton done and dusted. The next stop on my whirlwind tour of ‘places to visit before you die’ is Halifax. Can’t wait!
PS The people of Alfreton were very friendly and helpful. Even when the aforementioned sibling asked in a local pub if there were any good places to eat, ignoring the carvery directly in front of him, the landlady’s smile never faltered!

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