lifestylesupportguru

Category: Travel

Tourist Review – Barnsley

Well, dearest devotees, today I am going to tell you about a hidden gem of a town in England called BARNSLEY. Why BARNSLEY? you cry. Why not? I cry back. (If you really want to know, I’d never been to Barnsley and there was a special offer on at Travelodge!)

Barnsley UK

So, youngest sibling and I head northwards (after he’d come southwards the night before) and after a tour of Barnsley suburbs – unexpected, thanks to youngest sibling reading his Google map upside down – we arrive at the hotel but are unable to go to our rooms because we are early. To pass the time, the receptionist entertains us with a story about a regular customer who, even when he no longer needed to come to the hotel, would call in and visit just to see the staff because they were so friendly (quite true!).
Having enjoyed this little tale, of which I understood only half because it was delivered in a strong Barnsley accent, we set off to have a look at a local tourist attraction, a working flour mill – highly recommended by the receptionist (at least, I think she recommended it, but I may have been wrong). There were some raht trouble at t’mill, however – there were no parking spaces left!
We set off in search of another attraction and found Wentworth Castle, where we were accosted by people dressed in 1920s costumes because they were doing a Murder Mystery afternoon. Great fun and not only that, they had jam sandwiches on the menu in the café – never seen that before!

Jam Sandwich

Upon our return to the hotel, we ask the receptionist about the possibility of getting a taxi into Barnsley town centre to find some refreshment:

“Taxi? TAXI? Eeh, there’s a bus stop just oop t’road, if tha desn’t mind paying £1.20.”
Off we go to the bus stop, although it cost us a whole £1.50 to the bus station – the receptionist has obviously not used the bus for a little while. And Barnsley was absolutely MANIC! People everywhere, music everywhere, fish and chip shops everywhere! Everyone seemed to speak in loud voices, which is not surprising, given the loud music, but I soon picked up the local language and learned to ask for ‘Twarves’ rather than ‘Two halves.’ People shouted at each other from one pub to another (there are lots of pubs very close to each other) in a form of local greeting:
“Oi! Oreet?”
“Aye! Oreet! You?”
“Aye! Grand!”
After a few Twarves, we headed off to a Chinese restaurant recommended by a friendly bouncer and found ourselves in a rather wonderful parallel universe where we were served by a lovely couple of young Barnsley women. The conversation during the meal went something like this:

chopsticks and bowl

Waitress 1: Would you like any drinks?
Sibling: A bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, please.
W 1: Is that the white one? I haven’t worked here long and I can never remember.
S: Yes, it’s the white one.
Me: And could we have chopsticks and bowls rather than plates and knives and forks, please?
W 1: Ooh, how wonderful! I LOVE it when people use chopsticks – I LOVE watching people use chopsticks to eat! I’ll watch you eat all your food!

Luckily, she was busy serving other customers when we were eating, so she missed the bit where I spilt hoi sin sauce all down my front!
Waitress 2 didn’t, though…

Waitress 2: Vanish!

At first, I thought this was an order to get out because I’d made a mess, but she was just recommending what to use to get rid of the stain!

In the meantime, all the other customers, who were complete strangers to each other when they entered the restaurant, were by now on first name terms and swapping addresses, having become best friends over the course of the meal. We were also best friends with the waitresses by the end of the evening, especially when one found out I live in Derby, because that’s where

Heart

her boyfriend goes to uni – I almost expected her to ask if she could come and live with me!

And there you have BARNSLEY, beloved followers! Don’t ever let anyone tell you Yorkshire people aren’t friendly – they LOVE people… and they LOVE talking! I HEART BARNSLEY!

Question For The LSG from DOT

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight I am going to respond to a question from DOT (Dai Of Tanzania) who, some of you may recall, last sent me a question about monkeys snaffling his bananas – I hope this is no longer a problem, DOT? Snaffled bananas is not something normally discussed in polite company, I have to say, so I shall simply move swiftly on in the hope that you have found the right cream …
Here is DOT’s current quandary:

Leather jackets

“Question for the LSG –
I bought an expensive leather jacket in Arusha about 2 months ago. Very nice – makes me look younger (58 instead of 60). It hasn’t stood up to the journey well, especially the carrying of rucksacks. Despite the expense, it has proved not to be real leather. A thin skin of brown leather looking material is peeling away, revealing a tan, suede – type fabric beneath.
The question is – do I accept it as an experience in life, or should I take it back to the shop and demand my 12 pounds 50p back in full?”
Firstly, who told you that the leather jacket made you look two years younger? If it was the man who sold it to you, take it straight back and ask for a refund under the Sale of Goods Act (1793), which states that it is ‘ye olde offence to vend goodes that are not fit for ye olde purpose’ – in this particular case, implying that a leather jacket can take years off you. Of course it can’t! It only makes you THINK that it can because it takes you back to your youth when leather jackets were almost obligatory items of apparel. Does Mick Jagger look younger when he wears a leather jacket? Of course he doesn’t! The material simply blends with his face, so no one can tell where his face ends and his jacket starts. Women do this all the time – it’s called ‘make-up’.

rucksack

Now, as for the wear and tear – what do you expect if you insist on carrying a rucksack? A smart little across-the-body handbag would do just as well – a couple of pairs of underpants (heavy duty for those odd occasions when you come across a rampaging hippo or a cross-eyed lion), a drip-dry Aertex t-shirt and you’re sorted! Alternatively, you could hire someone to carry the rucksack for you – help the economy – and let THEM worry about ruining their own leather jacket.
Finally, you say that the jacket has ‘proved not to be real leather’, but a ‘thin skin of brown leather-looking material is peeling away’ – I can only say that I would urge you to look at Mick Jagger once more and learn from him. The ‘tan, suede-type fabric beneath’ is actually his SKIN! On a personal note, but in a similar vein, I recall buying a small handbag in Togo which was (purportedly) camel leather for which I paid the princely sum of £3 (or the Togolese equivalent) and you said I had paid far too much and would now ruin the economy in the whole of the country. I never got any further enjoyment from the purchase (mainly because I didn’t have anything to go with it!). If I remember rightly, I wrapped the bag up nicely and gave it to a friend as a Christmas present when I returned to these shores. (I also find myself following the Togolese Stock Exchange news very closely.) I would, therefore, suggest that you learn from this and that you wrap the jacket up in some bright, shiny paper and pass it on to your sibling when he comes to see you later in the year. You will win on all counts – he’ll be surprised that you bought him a present at all, you’ll have got rid of a worthless piece of tat and the Tanzanian economy will be ruined because you paid too much, so next time you wish to buy a similar item, it will cost you about sixpence.
I shall address the issue of the mobile phone with the flying battery on a separate occasion when you have had time to assimilate all my advice on the purchase of a ‘leather’ jacket.
Remember – ‘You’re worth it.’ (Worth what, I’m not sure, but £12.50 sounds a good starting price.)
Enjoy the rest of your evening, DOT!

Travelling LSG style

Motorway traffic at night

Well, here I am again, so soon after my yesterday’s post, but I feel that, as the Lifestyle Support Guru, I need to share my thoughts about TRAVELLING with you. (That’s ‘share my thoughts with you’, not ‘travelling with you’, as I’m sure you realise, being LSG supporters!)

1. You can make all sorts of FRIENDS when TRAVELLING – yesterday, for example, I came across Ben, Ken, Nic, Niiici, (Mr) Singh and the Looke family, among others. I always like to say ‘hello’ to all these people as they sail past with their personalised number plates – it makes me feel that I have enlarged my circle of followers.
2. When TRAVELLING, you will find that there are ‘baby’ motorways and ‘grown up’ motorways. The M4 is a ‘baby’ motorway, with lots of signs to tell you what’s going on: ‘Poor weather conditions’, for example. I was so glad they told me that, otherwise I’d never have thought of putting my windscreen wipers on as the rain lashed down from a leaden sky (there’s poetic!). The M5, on the other hand, is a ‘grown up’ motorway which doesn’t tell you anything and lets you take your chances about deciding what the weather’s like outside your little metal bubble.

warning sign

The other indication that it’s a ‘grown up’ motorway is that it doesn’t have speed restrictions because of ‘roadworks’ but because of ‘Geotechnical repairs’. (There’s posh!)
3. Finally, I must renew my acquaintance with the Highway Code before next TRAVELLING and find the rule that states that all dark-coloured cars are NOT required to have their lights on when driving in pouring rain. I assume this has been devised as a means of making other drivers more aware of their surroundings and, thus, more ready to take evasive action when a dark (usually black and usually large, say a BMW, a Volvo or an Audi) car looms up out of the spray behind you, unseen until the very last minute. Such larks!

And there you have it, beloved devotees – TRAVELLING really DOES broaden the mind (and tests your reactions!). Clunk-click every trip!

Biology and Maths in Dudley

LSG here – I thought you might need something to do instead of going out and enjoying this beautiful Sunday morning, so today we’re going to have a little Biology and Maths tuition, courtesy of people in Dudley (pronounced Doodlay), and a brief lesson in how to talk tidy (as they say in God’s own country), courtesy of an unexpected visitor I had yesterday.

A lion???

BIOLOGY:
You and a friend are driving round a safari park near Doodlay and you see a large, STRIPED cat tearing at a huge chunk of meat. Do you say:
a) ‘Gosh, what a beautiful tiger.’ or
b) ‘Gosh, what a lovely lion.’ (pronounced ‘loyon’ in Doodlay)
If you said a), you need to attend Biology classes in Doodlay.

MATHS:
You and a friend are in a hotel in Doodlay and you are looking at the wine list. A bottle of house wine costs £11.60; a large glass of the same wine costs £3.50. There are three large glasses in one bottle. Do you:

Wine

a) immediately order a bottle, or
b) immediately order three glasses and confuse the waitress?
If you said b), you need to attend Maths classes in Doodlay.

ENGLISH:
You receive an unexpected visit from an acquaintance (who’s not from Doodlay) and you politely (if uninterestedly) ask if he’s moved into his new place yet. This is totally wrong. What should you have asked?
a) Have you moved into your new top-floor seafront flat with a balcony yet? or
b) Have you moved into your new penthouse apartment with a terrace and a view overlooking the sea?
If you said a) then you are not yet ready to mingle with the upper classes. (Of course, I refer to my terraced house as ‘a bijou cottage residence with close neighbours’.)

I hope these lessons will help you make your way through life without committing too many social errors which could reveal your lower-class background and lack of proper education as it is taught in Doodlay!

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