lifestylesupportguru

Category: Travel

Languages are fun – Quiz!

Dark Continent

Now that I have returned from the Dark Continent, I felt I needed to share with you some of the things I have learned, one of which is that it is very easy to get by in Swahili with just a few words, BUT you need to make sure that you learn those words properly. The following examples – all taken from real life – will show you exactly how easy it is to make mistakes, especially when nervous and trying to say the right thing:

Role Play 1:
The Swahili for ‘Welcome’ is ‘Karibu’ or ‘Karibuni’.
Now imagine you are the retiring Head of an international school in, let’s say, Tanzania and you are attending your own retirement party in the school hall. How do you greet the assembled staff?
a) Karibu
b) Karibuni
c) Calamari
If you answered c), you have just called the staff a load of squid.

Role Play 2:
The Swahili for ‘Hello’ is ‘Mambo’ or ‘Jambo’.
Now imagine that you are a teacher walking out of the school gates, which are opened for you by a guard who is a local. How do you greet the guard?
a) Mambo
b) Jambo
c) Sambo
If you answered c), you have just put race relations back about 50 years! (If you answered a AND b, then you are not taking this seriously.)

Maribou

Role Play 3:
You are on safari and your guide points out a large black and white bird. Trying to show off, you proudly announce that you know what it is. What do you say?
a) Marabou
b) Caribou
c) Karibu
The only correct answer is a), a marabou being a large stork. If you answered b), you are on the wrong continent, since caribou is the North American name for reindeer, and if you answered c), you clearly did not pay any attention to the information given in Role Play 1.

Role Play 4:
The Swahili for ‘Hello’ is ‘Habari’.
Now imagine that you wish to greet someone in the street. What do you say?
a) Habari
b) Haribo
The only correct answer is a). If you said b), then you have seen too many TV adverts.

Two of these were – gulp! – mistakes made by the LSG herself, proving that I, too, have some human frailties!

And there you are – ready for your first hesitant steps in Swahili, which will be of great use in Derby, Ponty, Devon, Non-Iron and many other places where I have FB friends. Hakuna matata!

LSG To The Rescue

Tropical Storm

Before I continue with tales of my exciting travels through Tanzania, I must relate my role in saving four young Americans from what would have been certain death in the harsh African environment.
My intrepid companions, DOT and TOFU, and I were returning from a long day out in the bush, having had our fill of wandering wildebeest (one can weary of wildebeest after an hour or two – they don’t do a lot and they don’t really have any ‘cute’ factor) when our driver screeched to a halt (a slight exaggeration, perhaps) upon seeing another safari vehicle at the side of the road with five people standing next to it. Bosco, our driver, spoke to the other driver in Swahili (in which I am now almost fluent, since I can ask for two OR three beers AND say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’), then asked us if we would mind giving the four passengers a lift back to their campsite because the suspension on their vehicle had broken. ‘Of course,’ I cried out straight away (being the natural leader of the group) and welcomed the young people into our own vehicle after directing DOT and TOFU in the rearrangement of our luggage, which involved no discomfort on my part but necessitated everyone else having to squash up, and off we set.
All the way to the camp, I was imagining what might have happened to them if we hadn’t stopped – death by starvation (although one of the group might have taken a little longer to starve than the rest) or an attack by lions in the night (wishing for a change of diet from wildebeest), but when we got to their campsite, all I can say is that either form of death would have been preferable to what they would face that evening! DAAAHHLINGS!! Positively primitive – small tents, a communal toilet block, such a lack of even the basics – no en suite, no television or mini-bar, doing your own cooking AND washing up! Unthinkable! We left them there and continued on to our own accommodation, which was all one could ask for, including more staff than guests and a view over the Ngorongoro Crater which ‘breath-taking’ doesn’t even begin to describe.

Ngorongoro Crater at dawn

And now I will continue with my insightful TRAVEL TIPS, some of which may surprise you. I had not thought that Tanzania – and the Great Rift Valley in particular – would make me feel homesick for Wales, but there were times when I felt that we could be driving through the Brecon Beacons, such was the scenery – green, lush and mountainous. It was so easy to imagine oneself back in God’s Own Country if one discounted the coffee plantations, the oxen pulling carts, the goats and the Maasai warriors (although the natives of Brecon have been known to get a little wild after a couple of sherries on New Year’s Eve and who could forget Ivor Emmanuel holding off the whole of the Zulu nation with his rendition of ‘Men of Harlech’?).

What other TRAVEL TIPS may be of help? It is always useful to carry a flash drive (memory stick for the less technical) with your own cheerful choice of music on it, such as ‘Mad World’, ‘Fix You’ and ‘Someone Like You’ – this avoids having to listen to Jim Reeves’ ’20 Most Depressing Songs Ever’ at your hotel, including ‘God Be With You Till We Meet Again’ and ‘Life Will Be Better On the Other Side’, which make Leonard Cohen appear like a joyful, life-affirming person of irrepressible jollity!

That will do for now – I do not wish to overburden you with too much information because, unlike the LSG, most humans do NOT have an infinite capacity for retaining information. Usiku mwema, rafiki!

Travel Tips 3 – Car on Fire!

Indian Ocean

Well, beloved believers, here I am, with the sound of the Indian Ocean whispering gently in the background, once more offering you support and succour in your search for success and salvation in this sometimes sad state of existence. In other words, I hope to make you smile!

I realise that I have not yet explained how DOT’s car almost caught fire, so I shall give advice on avoiding such a catastrophe. (For those who may be new to the Lifestyle Support Guru, DOT is a sibling known as Dai Of Tanzania. The other accompanying sibling is TOFU, or Trefor OF ‘Ull.) In addition to motoring matters, I shall be advising on the essential look to cultivate this season when in an EXTREMELY HOT place.

Both male siblings are extremely practical people and I am always pleased when they find

Pet rescue

themselves a project because it means they will leave me in peace to play Pet Rescue rather than taking a brisk walk in the searing African heat. This particular project involved the simple task of putting the battery back in DOT’s 4×4 – it had been on charge all night after being drained when helping someone else start their car with jump leads (I sound as if I know what I’m talking about, don’t I?). I am happily ensconced on the computer and can hear the contented chatter of siblings outside as they do a passable imitation of Jeremy Clarkson (only nicer). Suddenly, I hear TOFU cry out, ‘Open the bonnet! Open the bonnet! It’s on fire!’ I rush to the door to see smoke pouring from the engine while TOFU and DOT are doing their best to remove the battery, which had shorted because of an exposed wire (I still sound as if I know what I’m talking about). It all ended happily, with the exposed wire replaced and the car running smoothly, if smelling a little bit like the day after Bonfire Night.

Masai

Now, with regard to matters sartorial, I have to inform you that, not surprisingly, the LSG has been attracting many glances since arriving on the east coast of Zanzibar this morning (I cannot think that the glances are anything but admiring). The ‘look’ is easy to achieve – simply take a gentle stroll along the white sands in the heat of the midday sun, then speed up a little to get away from the ‘genuine’ Masai trying to sell you anything from a ‘genuine’ Masai bracelet handwoven in the factory down the road to a ‘genuine’ Masai Manchester Utd football shirt knitted by ‘genuine’ Masai grandmothers, and all of this sales pitch accompanied by the constant repetition of ‘Hakuna Matata’, which has probably never been heard outside the West End or Broadway.
You will arrive at your destination (a beach bar, of course) with the PERFECT ‘look’, which will be admired by svelte Swedes, nymphlike Norwegians and delicious Danes, all of whom will be imitating the ‘look’ tomorrow – red face, sweat dripping into your beer, hair resembling a pan scourer. You’ll know you’ve made it when one sibling looks at you, laughs and says, ‘Are you sure you like hot climates?’ The answer, of course, is ‘Hakuna Matata’!

Enjoy your weekend and think of me suffering the trials and tribulations of another day on white sand, soothed by the murmuring of the sea in the background. It’s a hard life, but someone has to experience it. All I need to say is: Tatou Kilimanjaro barridi, taffidali.

Travel Tips – East Africa – Transport and Toilets

Tanzania sunset

Hello again, dearest devotees! Once more, I am here to help you negotiate your way as safely as possible through the maze that we laughingly call ‘life’, so I am going to continue using my experiences here in former German East Africa to guide you. My main topics today are TRANSPORT and TOILETS, although not necessarily in order of importance and not excluding other topics which may crop up as side issues. For those of a nervous disposition, I shall not be discussing TOILETS in more detail than is absolutely necessary.
TRANSPORT is essential if one is to participate FULLY in local life – in other words, if one wishes to visit the local bars. The easiest (and cheapest) form of TRANSPORT is the piki-piki. This is a small motorcycle with a 150cc engine – one perches delicately on the back as the driver skilfully weaves in and out of three lanes of traffic. By ‘three lanes’, I do not mean that there are three lanes on your side of the road, just that the one lane on your side has three lines of traffic on it! Such fun! And to add to the thrill, you are not required to wear a helmet and there are pretty vicious speed bumps at irregular intervals along the road. Your mind wanders to thoughts of how to explain to your insurance company just how you came to fly gracefully through the air as you hit a large pothole.
However, all this is eclipsed by ‘the dismount’: everyone else (i.e. your two siblings) seems able to dismount from the piki-piki quite effortlessly and stylishly, but there is one person who has not quite mastered the art – her dismount involves balancing on her left foot on the ground, gripping the driver’s left shoulder hard while swinging her right leg in a less-than-graceful arc over the back seat of the piki-piki and taking two or three staggering steps before standing upright – this occurs both before AND after visits to the local bars (so those of you putting this down to the effects of alcohol will have to amend your suspicions). Piki-piki drivers queue up to take this particular passenger because of, as one sibling delicately put it, ‘your big tips’. (I think that’s what he said.)

Tuk Tuk

Now, I haven’t even mentioned the tuk-tuk or the almost-destroyed-by-fire Suzuki Samurai, but I am afraid they will have to wait for the next post because I feel I am running out of space to talk about TOILETS and I believe this is something I need to address, especially for those who may be considering a visit to this part of the world, in particular my female followers.

toilet

TOILETS, I am sure you will agree, are an essential part of one’s daily life and I have now learned not to trust one particular sibling when enquiring as to whether a bar will have a ‘proper’ toilet or an African one. He doesn’t really know (since, to be fair, he doesn’t frequent the ladies’ toilets as a general rule), but bases it on how much a beer costs – the more expensive the beer, the more likely it is to have ‘proper’ toilets. (As a rule of thumb, this does NOT work!) A ‘proper’ toilet will have a bowl and a seat. An African one will involve rolling up your trouser legs to avoid getting them wet as you squat over a hole in the ground while trying to maintain your balance (see piki-piki story above). This is all GOOD FUN! And that, I think, adoring acolytes, will suffice insofar as detail about TOILETS is concerned.
I leave you this evening with the thought that my understanding of Swahili is increasing by the minute: BBCSwahili is on the TV in the hotel bar and I have understood so much: ‘Tanzania’, ‘Zambia’, ‘SkyTV’, ‘Manchester City’, ‘Arsene Wenger’, Donald Trump, so much more…
Hakuna matata!

Travel – flying high and Frozen!

Flying

A very good afternoon to all my devoted followers from the Lifestyle Support Guru, flying at a height of 37,000 feet at over 500 mph. Only another three and a half hours to go, so I thought I would employ some of the time usefully by passing on a few pearls of wisdom about TRAVEL.

First of all, learn to tell the difference between pounds and kilos, since this will help enormously when packing. There are some people who have been known to use an electronic weighing device and not realise that it displays the weight in pounds or kilos, depending on which button is pressed. Consequently, you may find yourself driving up the motorway to a northern city, worrying needlessly about how much you will be charged for excess baggage. Imagine your relief when your travelling companion, who lives in this northern city, points out to you that you have been weighing in pounds instead of kilos! Imagine, also, the annoyance when you realise that you COULD have included those couple of extra tops that you had left behind in despair!

Upon arrival at the first airport, just outside the northern city, ensure that you join the right queue to drop off your luggage. Do NOT follow the example of a couple of people (who may or may not be siblings travelling to visit another sibling in a far-off country) who joined what they thought was the right queue until an airport employee came up to them and gently queried whether they were really flying to the North Sea offshore rigs! I think the four suitcases may have given it away.

You also need to consider what items of clothing you are going to wear for travelling – should an underwired bra be your apparel of choice (and I address this to the gentlemen as well as the ladies), be prepared to bleep and be frisked as you go through security. And do NOT forget about that little spray of screen cleaner in the front of your laptop bag, as one person did – you will find yourself confronted by a very stern-looking gentleman who will call you ‘Madam’ in a very serious voice as he rifles through your cabin luggage (which holds nothing more interesting than a pair of pyjamas, a hot air brush, a make-up bag, some rechargeable batteries – complete with charger – and several lots of tablets. But I bet the Duchess of Cambridge’s holds nothing of greater interest – maybe a spare pack of Pampers or baby powder?).

When you change planes for the second, longer leg of the journey, you will find yourself offered a bewildering array of films to help you while away the hours. Unfortunately, you have already seen most of them in recent weeks, so you are more or less left with a choice between ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ or ‘Frozen’. I’m glad Elsa turned out alright in the end.

And there I shall end this first missive about TRAVEL – you have enough to ponder on and put into practice when you next TRAVEL. I shall keep you informed of any further advice that may occur to me as I continue my journey into the heart of Africa (well, it’s the east coast, technically speaking, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it).

Hakuna matata!

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