A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight, I am going to ask you a few questions that will help you work out your place in society. Clearly, as the LSG, I know exactly where I stand – my place in the very top tier of society is assured as I rub shoulders with kings and queens, princes and princesses, film stars; however, I am equally at home with those of a more rough-hewn nature – teachers, pub landlords, coach drivers, those people who are the salt of the earth!
The questions are based on my own experiences, as always, since I would never ask you to judge yourselves unless I had judged myself first – of course, I came out as a model citizen. The rest of you may find it a little more difficult to reach such a pinnacle, but you must always strive, even if you are unlikely to match me – that is something that only a very, very, very small number (in fact, probably none) will ever achieve.
Anyway, on with the quiz:
1. You are in a supermarket (let’s say Morrison’s; other supermarkets are available, but they had the best beer offer that day) with your sibling, and have stocked up on basics – beer, wine and chocolate – and you head for the nearest (and shortest) queue and unload your trolley. An old couple joins the queue immediately behind you and you can see that the female half of the couple is looking at you and your sibling in a rather angry manner, tutting and shaking her head (the male half is looking increasingly embarrassed). (Sibling hasn’t noticed any of this – he is too busy looking lovingly at his chocolate, wondering if he can open the (very large) packet of Maltesers before you’ve got through the checkout.) You wonder what is making this old woman so cross – maybe she thinks you haven’t got a proper, balanced diet in your trolley. Silly old woman! You then realise that you have accidentally joined the ‘Ten Items, Express Checkout’ queue, which is why this old bag is so incensed – you have TWELVE items in your trolley! Do you:
a) Apologise profusely to the hag and start loading the items back into your trolley so that you can go to another queue?
b) Apologise profusely to the ancient hag but stay where you are because you’re next at the checkout and reloading your trolley would take more time than going through the checkout?
c) Apologise to the checkout assistant and say you’ll move to another queue?
The obvious answer is c) because the checkout assistant has noticed this seriously deranged female monster becoming more and more angry over something incredibly petty. She says – loudly and often and with a smile – that, since there are two of you, you are allowed TWENTY items on her till and, even if you weren’t allowed that many, TWELVE items is hardly a hanging crime (well, not in the UK… yet).
2. You are on the committee of a local group that is trying to raise funds for an event in the summer (Fashion Show, May 4th; Picnic on the Green, July 8th) and you have been asked (or maybe you volunteered – my memory blurs) to find out which supermarket does the best offer on boxes of wine for the Fashion Show (did I mention it’s on May 4th?). Do you:
a) Go straight to a price comparison website for supermarkets?
b) Go straight to the Tesco website?
c) Go straight to the Waitrose website?
If you chose a) or b), then you are a reasonably balanced individual (Tesco seems to have reined in its ambitions to rule the world for now, so I am happy to look at their website, even if I can’t quite bring myself to go into the actual store). However, if you chose c), you need to reassess your understanding of ‘society’ – ‘Waitrose’ and ‘box of wine’ do NOT go together. It may be that you need to see a counsellor to understand that we are NOT ‘all in this together’, or at least not as far as Waitrose is concerned when its ‘essentials’ range includes avocado, sirloin steak and tortilla wraps. Looking for a wine box in Waitrose is like looking for a photo of a fully-clothed Kim Kardashian – it just isn’t going to happen!
Two questions are enough to cope with for now – challenges should be realistic and present goals that can be reached and I believe that these two offer enough to consider for the moment. Coming soon – a moral dilemma involving Wagamama. Sleep well, Faithful Followers!
Category: Shopping
Quizzical
A very good evening to you, beloved believers, as I sit and listen to possibly the worst karaoke version of ‘Killing Me Softly’ I have ever heard in my life.
It seems so LONG since I last offered any advice on living life to the full and I realise some of you may be wondering if my inspiration has dried up and if you will have to search elsewhere for another guru to guide you through life’s thickets and tangled undergrowth. FEAR NOT! I have been a little busy of late – shopping, lunch, shopping, lunch, visit to Doncaster, shopping, lunch, shopping, lunch, visit to Oldbury (near Birmingham), shopping… you get the idea. Actually, I had written a piece for you on being pretentious in a taxi, but I can’t find it now, so that will have to be for another time.
As you know, I have a vague, passing interest in quizzes, but FEAR NOT! I am not about to test you on your knowledge of geography or sport or the first ten presidents of the USA (although I am sure there are those among you who actually know this! Why?). No, I am going to ask you to contemplate the responses of a team of bright young things in a recent quiz at my local. Actually, when I say ‘bright young things’, I’m lying – one of those words is incorrect, but I leave it to you to decide which one.
quizzical
And FEAR NOT! I am not going to spend time bemoaning the dismal lack of knowledge of today’s generation, as so many others do. That is unfair to those who do have a wide-ranging general knowledge as well as a good understanding of politics, economics, history, philosophy, literature, maths, socio-economics, business, psychology, chiropody, finance, neurosurgery, rocket science…
Here we go:
Questionmaster: What is a John Dory?
Bright Young Things: A tandoori? It’s an oven; yes, put down ‘oven’. They use it in Indian restaurants. Tandoori chicken, that sort of thing.
Q: Who is the patron saint of animals?
BYT: Anoraks? Patron saint of anoraks?
Another BYT: No, it was ‘patron saint of adenoids’. I’m sure it was. Who’s the patron saint of adenoids?
Another BYT: What are adenoids?
Q: The giant panda is the symbol of which organisation?
BYT: Chinese panda? It’d be the symbol of China. Yes, put China.
Q: What are the first three words in the Bible?
BYT: I know, I know – Book of Genesis! (You can’t fault the logic here!)
Before you accuse me of making fun of a group of BYT with hearing difficulties (as if I would!), let me explain that the reason they didn’t hear some of the questions correctly was because they were constantly talking, even when the questions were being asked. Needless to say, they didn’t do very well, but FEAR NOT! They had a jolly good time and found it hilarious (and not unexpected) that they came last.
As they were leaving the pub, one of them was still asking who the patron saint of adenoids was and another was saying, ‘No, no; anoraks, not adenoids.’
Sleep well, dearest devotees. May your dreams be free of anoraks and adenoids (unless you’re Philip K Dick, in which case, you may dream of ‘android sheep’!). 
😁
Confessions of a party animal
Mistake?
I have to own up to almost making a complete and utter fool of myself this coming weekend. Yes, even the Lifestyle Support Guru (or, as one friend called me, the Life Support Guru, which may be closer to the truth…) can make mistakes, but it only shows just how close I am to being human (subhuman, perhaps?).
I have been invited to a party on Saturday, an event to which I am looking forward immensely (since I don’t get invited to that many these days). I have been planning my outfit (casually elegant, elegantly casual or maybe just jeans and trainers à la Llandudno) and working out what time I should arrive to have the maximum impact, or rather, depending on what time the buses run.
This morning I went to see the friend who is throwing the party and the conversation eventually meandered round to the ‘do’, via discussions about bird tables, raspberries, dead cats and other such riveting subjects. I said I hoped to get there about 8 o’clock and the conversation then went something like this:
Friend: EIGHT o’clock? But it starts at ONE!
Me: ONE??
F: Yes, 1-6 pm. You did get the invitation, didn’t you?
M: Yes, but I was so excited when I got it that I didn’t read the whole thing and I just assumed it was an evening do.
F: No, any time from 1 o’clock onwards, with a ‘relaxed’ finish about 6.
M: Oh, thank goodness I called in today! I was aiming to get here for about eight on Saturday, all ready to party!
F: You’d only have found us lying around recovering from the afternoon’s festivities.
M: I’d have looked a right fool, wouldn’t I?
F: We probably wouldn’t have noticed by that stage!
You can just picture it, can’t you? Me turning up on the doorstep with a big smile on my face, only to find that all the alcohol has been drunk and the hosts are nodding gently on the sofa, slippers on, cocoa in hand, ‘Casualty’ on the television . Aaaaargh!!!!
Take some advice from a former teacher who should know better – ALWAYS read the instructions!!!
I now have to plan a completely different outfit for an afternoon shindig, rather than an elegantly casual/casually elegant evening outfit. Oh dear, I may have to go shopping…
Making Your Own Fun…
A very good evening to you all. As you know, the Lifestyle Support Guru tries very hard to lighten your burden by offering supportive and positive advice on all aspects of LIFE. Tonight, I wish to help you enjoy life more by suggesting different ways of amusing yourself, based, of course, upon my own vast experience.
So I put the question, what is amusement? Amusement is…
1. …celebrating youngest sibling’s birthday by going to Keighley for a night. Keighley… enough to make anyone laugh out loud!
2. …sitting in a hostelry (I could have said ‘café’, but you wouldn’t have believed me) with youngest sibling and asking for advice on downloading WhatsApp onto recently-acquired iPhone.
YS: Just go into Apps and look for the WhatsApp app. (He then returns to looking at his own [superior] phone)
Me: Is this what I need: ‘WhatsApp for iPhone Free’?
YS: (sighing, and without looking up from his own phone): No, you haven’t got an iPhone 3, it’s an iPhone 5.
(Spend next five minutes giggling hysterically while bar staff wonder whether to keep serving you.)
3. …measuring your ironing board for a new cover by standing next to it when it’s leaning against the wall, because you can’t find a measuring tape.
4. …standing in the aisle at Sainsbury’s for five minutes trying to work out if the ironing board cover on offer (£3 – a bargain!) will fit your ironing board. It says it’s 125 cm or 49 ins in length, and you know that you’re about 5 ft 6 in tall. (Contemplate asking a Sainsbury’s assistant to measure you from shoulder to ankle but realise that you’d then have to explain why and life is too short.) The ironing board at home came to just above the top of your shoulder and down to just above your ankle, so you stand working out roughly how long your head is and how high off the ground your ankle is to get an idea of the length. You then calculate that 49 in is about 8 ft (it had been a long morning…) but realise that that can’t be right because otherwise you’d have the biggest ironing board in the world and you’d be 10 ft tall. Recalculate to make it about 4 ft and look yourself up and down from ankle to shoulder and think that that’s about right.
5. …seriously contemplating taking the above-mentioned ironing board cover out of its packaging, unfolding it and holding it up to see how it measures against you, but realise that this may not be a good idea in a public place…
6. …buying the ironing board cover anyway.
Following these simple, but effective, rules will give you a whole new outlook on LIFE! Anyone want me to measure up for curtains? Reasonable rates…
The new phone
Good morning from the Lifestyle Support Guru with some heartwarming advice on how to cheer up someone’s day – this story is especially pertinent to those of you who are advancing in years, but it is so important to feel that you have brought a little sunshine into another person’s life, I believe. A long story but bear with me – it’s one that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside…
Firstly, you need to go into a phone shop where an assistant will (eventually) come and ask if you need any help (the look on her face may imply that she’s thinking more along the lines of a zimmer frame or a mobility scooter rather than a mobile phone, but ignore this). The first thing you say is that you are looking for a new phone but that you don’t want a smartphone. This is where the first smile of the day will appear, but you ignore the fact that it is more a smile of sorrow and pity than of joy.
Next, you find you have turned into your mother as you explain in great (and unnecessary) detail why you want to change your phone (because it rings people when it’s in your handbag when you haven’t even pressed a key and those friends then ring you back to ask why you’ve just rung them, which is confusing, to say the least! And it also switches itself off, almost as if it’s sulking because you haven’t used it for at least an hour). You may notice the assistant’s smile beginning to slip a bit at this point, but again ignore this; it’s only temporary.
Then point out the phone that you’re considering – a neat little clamshell design because then keys can’t be unnecessarily pressed (and it’s cheap!). Her smile broadens as she tries to imagine herself using such an antiquated design, but she obviously recognises that different people (i.e. OLD people) have different needs. She will then say that some of their customers (by now you can almost see the speech bubble above her head with ‘OLD’ written in it!) prefer another style and she discreetly points to another phone. She will tell you that it has bigger keys and a bigger screen which ‘some people’ (i.e. OLD!) find easier to use. By now you will be feeling as if you should sign up for a nursing home straight away. On opening the phone, you find the keys are practically as big as a computer keyboard – BUT they are so easy to see and use – and the screen is almost a cinema screen! You are torn between the two phones but you eventually (with horror!) hear yourself say ‘Well, I’m not getting any younger’ and the smile spreads to fill her face because she knows she’s persuaded you to go for the more expensive one!
Finally, you go to the desk where she lovingly wraps the phone in a bright carrier bag emblazoned with the shop’s name so that every mugger within a two-mile radius will know you’ve just bought a phone – the only pleasure you will feel is that if a mugger does nick it, you know he’ll never be able to sell it for much because it is so uncool!
And you then walk out of the shop with the girl’s broad smile imprinted on your brain and the feeling that once you’re out of the door she will collapse on the floor with laughter while telling her colleagues ‘You won’t believe this but I’ve just sold the last of those phones that came in when mobiles were first invented.’
And you spend the rest of the day knowing that you’ve made someone very happy!