lifestylesupportguru

Category: Quiz

Testing Times

Sauvignon Blanc

As the Lifestyle Support Guru, I feel that I need to test you from time to time. Fear not, though, fair followers, I shall not be giving you grades or putting you into league tables – no, no, no, this is purely to check how well you feel you know the LSG after having followed my musings and teachings for many moons. I shall ask a few questions and you will need to consider what the answer might be from a choice of three. I shall give the correct answers at the end, so no cheating and scrolling to the end before you have attempted the questions – think of this as the 11-plus for entry into the Grammar School of Life (the LSG’s GSL, so to speak).
The test should be completed in silence but you have as much time as you want to answer all the questions and you are permitted to have a glass of your particular choice of refreshment, such as wine, by your side to help you lubricate your brain cells – it is a known fact that dehydration slows down the thinking process; this why I am such a quick thinker because I never let dehydration slow me down.

1. Whenever I am at home, I always know when it is 12.45 p.m. without looking at a clock or my watch or listening to the radio. How do I know this?
a. Watching television
b. Nearby church bell chimes
c. An alarm clock permanently set at 12.45

2. You are in a pub ( use your imagination if you don’t usually go to a pub) and a woman with a

Wales

husky (the husky is actually irrelevant), upon finding out you are Welsh (if you’re not, again use your imagination and picture yourself as one of the luckiest people in the world), says that she would love to go to a certain Welsh town to see where The Prisoner was filmed. Where did she say she wanted to go?
a. Portmeirion
b. Port Talbot
c. Porthcawl

3. Another woman (same pub – can you see a pattern emerging here?), who has drunk a little more than is perhaps good for her (or for those in close proximity) asks if you pray. When you say that you don’t, she asks a follow-up question with a growing look of horror on her face: You’re not a/an … are you? What does she think you are:
a. A lycanthrope
b. A Buddhist
c. An atheist

4. Two sensible-looking men are in a pub (different pub from previous questions – just to add variety) and having a profound conversation about a forthcoming meeting. Are they discussing:
a. Deconstructing neoliberalism
b. Masculine fragility
c. Brexit and xenophobia

5. You are in a restaurant (makes a change from a pub) and you see a wedding group come out of the Register Office opposite – you can’t miss the group because the bridesmaids are in bright purple – and congregate in the Market Place for photos. What is the bridegroom holding in his right hand:
a. The bride’s left hand
b. A can of energy drink
c. His willy

The answers are: 1: c (I can’t work out how to turn it off); 2: b; 3: c; 4: all three (god, it was boring!); 5: b (don’t anyone try to tell me romance is dead! But wouldn’t you have loved it to be c or even all three?)

How did you do?
• 4 or 5 out of 5 – you may take my place when I’m on holiday
• 2 or 3 out of 5 – more practice and visits to the pub
• 0 or 1 out of 5 – you haven’t really paid attention to anything I’ve said over the last couple of years, have you?

Drinking Guidelines

Drinks!

A very good afternoon to you all. I have been asked by several (well, two, actually) followers for my thoughts on the latest government guidelines on drinking. I have thought long and hard about the official advice that men should reduce their maximum units from 21 to 14, in line with the recommended maximum units for women. Now, my first thought was that 14 units a day was ample, whether male or female, but I then realised that the recommendation was 14 units a WEEK! A WEEK! Good grief, how on earth do they imagine that ‘ordinary, working class people’ will manage on that?
You have to consider that a normal, stressful Monday will require the consumption of at least 4 units at the end of the day and that Fabulous Friday feeling will require a further four, perhaps even five, to fuel you for the weekend. This leaves you with, at most, six units for the whole weekend. Now, assuming that you wish to enjoy your Saturday night, this will demand another four units, which leaves you with two units for Sunday and nothing for the remaining weekdays. How will one cope with Tearful Tuesday, Woeful Wednesday and Thoroughly Miserable Thursday?

Raise Up

On top of that, the government has spent years trying to give parity between men and women in terms of pay and pensions by raising women’s salaries and women’s pension age to come in line with men’s. Why, suddenly, have they decided to bring men DOWN to the women’s level? That is just so UNFAIR? Raise women UP, don’t bring men DOWN!

And on that note of bringing men or women down or up (a fairly tenuous link, I must admit), I’m afraid I have to express some concern at an acquaintance (who may or may not be small and from Yorkshire and mentioned in previous posts) who cast doubt on the LSG’s ability to answer quiz questions. WHAT??? This was in spite of the fact that I had introduced him to pizzas without cheese (since he is allergic to it) and it was the first time he’d ever eaten a pizza. ‘INGRATITUDE is the worst of vices’, according to that well known 17th-century clergyman

Quiz Team

Thomas Fuller, so imagine how hurt I was when I (casually) mentioned that I had (unexpectedly) answered 12-15 questions correctly on a Christmas edition of University Challenge, including ones that the teams didn’t get right, and the Tiny Tyke (TT for short) said that everyone knows the questions on Celebrity Mastermind are easier. Followers, I gave him my TEACHER LOOK and said, coldly, ‘University Challenge, TT, NOT Celebrity Mastermind.’ Silence followed as he chewed at his cheeseless pizza.

A similar thing happened at the local pub quiz last night. The category was countries whose names ended in a vowel and the question was ‘Which country’s nickname is the ‘Hexagon’?’ Any teacher of French will know the answer straight away and I whispered the answer to TT to write down, but imagine my surprise when someone next to us (not taking part in the quiz and who, so I’m told, speaks several languages but clearly doesn’t ‘do’ geography) whispered ‘Belgium’. ‘Nice one’, said TT, ‘Thanks.’ and he started to write down ‘Belgium’. I pointed out to TT that a) my answer of France was correct, b) Belgium doesn’t end in a vowel and c) it doesn’t resemble a hexagon in any way.

I am all for EQUALITY – I just wish everyone else was! Enjoy Monday and your four units and remember – the Government is always right, even when it’s wrong.

Languages are fun – Quiz!

Dark Continent

Now that I have returned from the Dark Continent, I felt I needed to share with you some of the things I have learned, one of which is that it is very easy to get by in Swahili with just a few words, BUT you need to make sure that you learn those words properly. The following examples – all taken from real life – will show you exactly how easy it is to make mistakes, especially when nervous and trying to say the right thing:

Role Play 1:
The Swahili for ‘Welcome’ is ‘Karibu’ or ‘Karibuni’.
Now imagine you are the retiring Head of an international school in, let’s say, Tanzania and you are attending your own retirement party in the school hall. How do you greet the assembled staff?
a) Karibu
b) Karibuni
c) Calamari
If you answered c), you have just called the staff a load of squid.

Role Play 2:
The Swahili for ‘Hello’ is ‘Mambo’ or ‘Jambo’.
Now imagine that you are a teacher walking out of the school gates, which are opened for you by a guard who is a local. How do you greet the guard?
a) Mambo
b) Jambo
c) Sambo
If you answered c), you have just put race relations back about 50 years! (If you answered a AND b, then you are not taking this seriously.)

Maribou

Role Play 3:
You are on safari and your guide points out a large black and white bird. Trying to show off, you proudly announce that you know what it is. What do you say?
a) Marabou
b) Caribou
c) Karibu
The only correct answer is a), a marabou being a large stork. If you answered b), you are on the wrong continent, since caribou is the North American name for reindeer, and if you answered c), you clearly did not pay any attention to the information given in Role Play 1.

Role Play 4:
The Swahili for ‘Hello’ is ‘Habari’.
Now imagine that you wish to greet someone in the street. What do you say?
a) Habari
b) Haribo
The only correct answer is a). If you said b), then you have seen too many TV adverts.

Two of these were – gulp! – mistakes made by the LSG herself, proving that I, too, have some human frailties!

And there you are – ready for your first hesitant steps in Swahili, which will be of great use in Derby, Ponty, Devon, Non-Iron and many other places where I have FB friends. Hakuna matata!

Parallel Universe

The Pearl of Wisdom

Good evening, dear followers! I realise that I haven’t offered any advice for a little while and I am concerned that you will be trying to live your lives without the benefit of my pearls of wisdom, so I thought I would pass some on before I get caught up in the fever of THE game on Saturday. I am, of course, talking about England v Wales in the Rugby World Cup, in case those of you who prefer the ‘round ball’ game (or ‘handbags at dawn’ or ‘synchronised diving’ as I prefer to call it) think there’s anything more important.
Anyway, enough of this talk of balls; tonight I wish to talk to you about LIVING IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE. I have come across several examples of this in the last couple of weeks and I believe that I have now learned enough to help you cope with what could otherwise be a very stressful experience for those with less inner strength than a fully qualified Lifestyle Support Guru (Deputy LSGs should not try this at home).

Example no. 1 in this PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
Men CAN multitask! This was proved to me in a rather unfortunate manner a couple of weeks ago when I was out for the evening with a couple of friends, one male, one female. The male friend (who may or may not be from Yorkshire) went to the toilet and came back many minutes later with the front of his shirt soaking wet and explained that he had just had a nosebleed whilst in the toilet. So where is the MULTITASKING? you cry. Well, the nosebleed occurred while he was ‘in full flow’ elsewhere, so to speak, and thus he had to deal with both at the same time, using his handkerchief in one hand to stem the flow of blood whilst ‘hanging on’ with the other hand… I don’t think I need to elaborate, do I, dear devotees? And, on top of that, he had managed to clean his shirt before returning to the assembled company. RESPECT!

swim trunks

Example no.2 in this PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
As you know, I run the occasional quiz at my local pub; most of the time they run pretty smoothly, but the other week I found myself in a very unusual situation – handing a quiz sheet over to a man on his own who, on the face of it, looked perfectly respectable but who was, in fact, wearing a pair of multi-coloured speedos on his nether regions rather than the expected pair of trousers. I didn’t bat an eyelid, beloved acolytes, but he certainly attracted a few glances from other females (and one or two males) in the pub as he strolled to the toilet. This could only happen in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE!

Example no. 3 in this PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
During the same quiz mentioned above, an unknown couple stands next to you while you are sitting at the bar asking the questions over the microphone (this is usually a big clue as to who is running the quiz). They keep whispering answers to you and you assume they are just checking if they know the answers, even though they haven’t entered the quiz. It turns out that they think you are entering the quiz and they are trying to give you the answers! A little later, you are giving out the answers to the Music round (kindly supplied by a sibling currently residing in a

Welsh Flag

sub-Saharan country and who clearly has nothing better to do), which includes a couple of classical music questions. When you give the answers to these, the female half of the couple turns to you and says, ‘You must be the landlady if you know so much about classical music.’ Such reasoning could only occur in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

And there you have it, dearly beloved followers – PARALLEL UNIVERSES do exist! Enjoy the rest of your evening and think of me over the weekend hiding behind the sofa on Saturday evening in a state of anticipation and terror – and NOT because I’ll be watching Dr Who! I make no predictions other than to say I shall either be very happy or very sad!

Quiz Question Giggles

Giggle

A very good afternoon from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Today I am not going to offer any advice; instead, I am going to MAKE YOU GIGGLE with some quiz answers that have made me smile and GIGGLE in the last few days.

The first was a conversation overheard in the pub (where else?) the other evening during the quiz night. I will set the scene:
Mother and father, young son (about 11) and young daughter (about 14) are sitting at the table next to the LSG’s, waiting for a taxi to take them home after attending the nearby Concert in the Park. The question master asks, ‘Who

Hannibal crossing the Alps

crossed the Alps with elephants?’
Mother (to the rest of her party): I think it was Hannibal.Daughter: Who’s Hannibal?
M: He crossed the Alps with elephants.
D: Where are the Alps?
M: In France, I think.
D: No, that’s not right. The Alps are in South America. How could you cross them with elephants? They don’t have elephants in South America.
(LSG thinks: they’re not that common in France either.)
M: I thought you were doing Geography GCSE?
D: Yes, but we haven’t done the Alps.
Sadly, their taxi arrived at this point because I would have loved to hear their answers to the rest of the questions.

The second occasion to make me GIGGLE was last night. Once more, let me set the scene: my television has developed an annoying habit of tuning itself into random TV stations whenever I turn it on. Last night it was tuned into some station showing re-runs of old quiz programmes and ‘Bullseye’ was on, so I sat watching it for a few minutes whilst waiting for the cats to decide whether they wanted to stay in or go out (I spend quite a bit of time waiting for them to make their minds up).

Dalai Lama

Jim Bowen (you can do your own impressions): Now, Roy, your next question – who is the spiritual leader of Tibet?
Roy (brow furrowed): Erm, the Higher Llama?
JB (straight faced): I’m sorry; that’s wrong. Fran, do you know the answer?
Fran (big grin to go with her big hair and big glasses): Yes, it’s the Dire Llama.

Othello and Desdemona

And finally, my favourite, passed on to me by a good Geordie friend, whom I shall call Jo for the sake of convenience. Scene-setting: a family party a few years ago where they were playing Trivial Pursuit and Jo was helping her 14-year-old nephew with his answers by whispering them to him when he got stuck.

Question: What is the name of the main female lead in Shakespeare’s ‘Othello’?
Jo (whispering): Desdemona
Nephew: What?
J: Desdemona.
N: What?
J: Desdemona.
N (calling out his answer): Dennis the Moaner!

I’m still giggling at that one! Have a good week!

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