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A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! This well be my last post before heading off to the Dark Continent, so I thought I would leave you with a few words about entertaining the masses whilst educating them in Welsh culture at the same time. As ever, I think I may be leading the way where others merely follow.
Occasionally, when I get fed up of writing quiz questions at home, I go to the pub with my tablet (not my tablets) and work on questions there – I like a change of scenery now and again. If there are people around, I sometimes test the questions out on them and here was the latest conversation, which involved a certain little Yorkshireman – who has appeared in previous posts – and three or four other people, all of a similar age. The questions were on children’s TV:
Me: What were the names of the Tweenies?
Yorkshireman: I don’t know, but I can remember the name of the dog. It was Doodle or something like that.
M: Doodles. How did you know that?
Y: I used to watch it all the time.
I then do a little bit of searching on t’internet and find the Tweenies didn’t start until 1999.
M: How old were you in 1999?
Y: 39
Silence from all around as they imagine an unmarried, childless 39-year-old watching the Tweenies. He then lost any further credibility when he was unable to name the series which opened with the line: ‘Here is a box, a musical box, wound up and ready to play.’
Someone else then asked who links the Deputy Marshal in ‘High Noon’ with an underwater TV series (I still haven’t worked out the connection between that and the Tweenies). Much scratching of heads until we are told that it was Lloyd Bridges in ‘Sea Hunt’ – everyone looks suitably puzzled because we’ve never heard of it. I then ask who sang the theme song to ‘High Noon’ and suddenly everyone joins in with “Do not forsake me, o my darlin’” and we are having a jolly little singalong!
It was just like being back home after a rugby match!
Now picture a Sunday night at the same local (which I’ll call the Coach and Horses for reasons of anonymity) which runs a quiz followed by a few games of Sticky Fingers. For those who are unaware of this highly entertaining method of losing money, it’s basically like Bingo but with playing cards. When you are down to your last card (of 13), you shout ‘Sticky Fingers’, just to let everyone else know that you may be close to winning a life-changing amount of money (usually around £30) and, therefore, a prime target for mugging on the way home. Last night a young female had volunteered to take the landlord’s place as the ‘caller’ because he had hurt his arm (no, I wasn’t quite sure how that would affect his ability to call out the cards either, but that’s some men for you…). The young female had imbibed a few Jagerbombs during the evening and was having a jolly time calling out the cards – for example: ‘The nine of spades… oh, sorry, that should be the nine of hearts.’ An easy mistake to make!
Just to make things even jollier, I thought it would be a good idea to teach her how to say ‘sticky fingers’ in Welsh – ‘bysedd gludiog’ – a first for Derby and, possibly, the whole of England! She then refused to accept any calls if they weren’t in Welsh – such larks!
I may try Swahili in a few weeks’ time! Multiculturalism is alive and kicking in the Midlands! Good evening, one and all! Nos da, bonsoir, usiki mwema.
Hello, dear followers! I know that many of you are aware that, as the Lifestyle Support Guru, I am able to help with all sorts of problems in this weary walk along life’s meandering paths through the forests of fear and woods of worry that so many of you have to navigate, but you may not be aware that I am also a fully-qualified MEDICAL and IMAGE CONSULTANT.
MEDICAL ADVICE:
Here is a scientifically proven method of dealing with troublesome coughs which may assail you this autumn and all you will need is a bottle of white wine and a bottle of red. This has been tested by the LSG personally, so I can confirm that it works.
1. Develop a troublesome cough that keeps you awake at night.
Large glass red wine
2. On the first night, have a glass of white wine prior to retiring. RESULT? The cough will still keep you awake.
3. On the second night, have a glass of red wine prior to retiring. RESULT? You will sleep like a baby ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT (hmm, sounds like a good title for a Welsh song, but I digress), apart from the obligatory 4 am visit to the loo.
There you have it – always keep a bottle of good red wine close at hand, just in case you feel a cough coming on. In fact, may I suggest that you drink the wine BEFORE the cough develops? Prevention is better than cure!
IMAGE ADVICE:
I am sure that many of you will have heard about dog owners coming to resemble their pets (and even vice versa), but I have developed this theory further and I can now reveal that OWNERS OF WINE BOTTLES may come to resemble their bottles both in shape and personality!
Look carefully at the bottles in your wine cellar (or, as in my case, the wine rack under the kitchen worktop) and consider which one(s) you resemble:
wine
– A Bordeaux or Sauvignon Blanc? You are tall and slim with a serious side to you.
– A Burgundy? Classic, yet elegant, with slightly sloping shoulders and a little more body.
– A cheeky bottle of Côtes de Provence? You are curvy and fun (and perhaps a little pink)!
– Champagne? Sturdy, yet graceful, welcome at all gatherings.
– A wine box? You can be a little bit of a square, so perhaps you need to be a little more adventurous.
I have considered all my bottles and I think I need to start stocking up on Chianti or Mateus Rosé, which may more closely resemble my overall shape.
Have a good weekend and don’t forget that visit to your local wine merchant to check out if you’re the right shape!
. This time, if you follow this advice, you will ensure that everyone has a WONDERFUL TIME, whether as HOST or GUEST. Although there may seem to be a lot of instructions, they are really quite easy to follow and require little more than a group bus ticket and some stamina.
1. GUESTS should coordinate their arrival perfectly to ensure they all turn up at the same time – this means that the HOST has no time to worry about those last-minute arrangements, such as fresh flowers, which always add that little welcoming touch, I think. That said, I’m not sure that three hulking men away for a weekend of watching rugby and football would necessarily have noticed a lovely flower arrangement so, on second thoughts, don’t bother with the flowers. So there you are: you already have less to worry about!
2. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
wine
3. Take your GUESTS and other friends on a tour of the local area to show them the lovely sights of Derbyshire – the Little Chester Ale House, the Black Bull’s Head, the Thorn Tree, the Five Lamps, the Coach and Horses (bar AND lounge).
4. Check how much wine you have in the fridge
5. One GUEST may tell you that he ALWAYS wakes up early, so he’ll go out for a walk in the morning to avoid disturbing everyone else. The HOST will come downstairs at about 9 the next morning to find the insomniac GUEST still
Laughing Cat
fast asleep on the sofa bed. The HOST should clean up the little mess on the carpet at the bottom of the bed which has been kindly left by one of the cats, but which has not woken the GUEST, even though the noise of a cat being sick is usually enough to wake the dead.
6. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
7. Supply tea, coffee, toast as required, then wonder what the neighbours will think of one GUEST wandering around the garden in a t-shirt and underpants, which he decides will suffice instead of going for an early morning walk.
8. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
9. The HOST should have a shower and stay upstairs drying hair and trying to repair the ravages of the previous day’s excesses so that GUESTS have time to wash up cups and plates (before the HOST points to the dishwasher).
10. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
11. The HOST should take the GUESTS to a restaurant to taste the local specialities – a selection of tapas – before the party heads to another local hostelry (the Golden Eagle) for an afternoon’s rugby and more local specialities, this time garlic Scotch eggs. Eventually, at 9 pm, the insomniac GUEST will decide that he’s had enough so will be escorted home by the HOST who should ensure that he makes it safely to bed before returning to meet up again with the other GUESTS. The Ale House and Coach once more benefit from the GUESTS (minus one) and HOST wishing to make sure that they have no money (or brain cells) left at the end of the day.
12. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
Large glass red wine
13. Wave goodbye to GUESTS the following morning (well, two out of three guests – one is having so much fun, he decides to stay another night).
14. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
15. Monday morning: wave goodbye to the final GUEST after showing him the little dead bird that another of the cats felt would be a spectacular leaving present… and BREATHE!
16. Check how much wine you have in the house.
Good evening, dear followers! I realise that I haven’t offered any advice for a little while and I am concerned that you will be trying to live your lives without the benefit of my pearls of wisdom, so I thought I would pass some on before I get caught up in the fever of THE game on Saturday. I am, of course, talking about England v Wales in the Rugby World Cup, in case those of you who prefer the ‘round ball’ game (or ‘handbags at dawn’ or ‘synchronised diving’ as I prefer to call it) think there’s anything more important.
Anyway, enough of this talk of balls; tonight I wish to talk to you about LIVING IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE. I have come across several examples of this in the last couple of weeks and I believe that I have now learned enough to help you cope with what could otherwise be a very stressful experience for those with less inner strength than a fully qualified Lifestyle Support Guru (Deputy LSGs should not try this at home).
Example no. 1 in this PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
Men CAN multitask! This was proved to me in a rather unfortunate manner a couple of weeks ago when I was out for the evening with a couple of friends, one male, one female. The male friend (who may or may not be from Yorkshire) went to the toilet and came back many minutes later with the front of his shirt soaking wet and explained that he had just had a nosebleed whilst in the toilet. So where is the MULTITASKING? you cry. Well, the nosebleed occurred while he was ‘in full flow’ elsewhere, so to speak, and thus he had to deal with both at the same time, using his handkerchief in one hand to stem the flow of blood whilst ‘hanging on’ with the other hand… I don’t think I need to elaborate, do I, dear devotees? And, on top of that, he had managed to clean his shirt before returning to the assembled company. RESPECT!
swim trunks
Example no.2 in this PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
As you know, I run the occasional quiz at my local pub; most of the time they run pretty smoothly, but the other week I found myself in a very unusual situation – handing a quiz sheet over to a man on his own who, on the face of it, looked perfectly respectable but who was, in fact, wearing a pair of multi-coloured speedos on his nether regions rather than the expected pair of trousers. I didn’t bat an eyelid, beloved acolytes, but he certainly attracted a few glances from other females (and one or two males) in the pub as he strolled to the toilet. This could only happen in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
Example no. 3 in this PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
During the same quiz mentioned above, an unknown couple stands next to you while you are sitting at the bar asking the questions over the microphone (this is usually a big clue as to who is running the quiz). They keep whispering answers to you and you assume they are just checking if they know the answers, even though they haven’t entered the quiz. It turns out that they think you are entering the quiz and they are trying to give you the answers! A little later, you are giving out the answers to the Music round (kindly supplied by a sibling currently residing in a
Welsh Flag
sub-Saharan country and who clearly has nothing better to do), which includes a couple of classical music questions. When you give the answers to these, the female half of the couple turns to you and says, ‘You must be the landlady if you know so much about classical music.’ Such reasoning could only occur in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
And there you have it, dearly beloved followers – PARALLEL UNIVERSES do exist! Enjoy the rest of your evening and think of me over the weekend hiding behind the sofa on Saturday evening in a state of anticipation and terror – and NOT because I’ll be watching Dr Who! I make no predictions other than to say I shall either be very happy or very sad!
Well, dearest devotees, today I am going to tell you about a hidden gem of a town in England called BARNSLEY. Why BARNSLEY? you cry. Why not? I cry back. (If you really want to know, I’d never been to Barnsley and there was a special offer on at Travelodge!)
Barnsley UK
So, youngest sibling and I head northwards (after he’d come southwards the night before) and after a tour of Barnsley suburbs – unexpected, thanks to youngest sibling reading his Google map upside down – we arrive at the hotel but are unable to go to our rooms because we are early. To pass the time, the receptionist entertains us with a story about a regular customer who, even when he no longer needed to come to the hotel, would call in and visit just to see the staff because they were so friendly (quite true!).
Having enjoyed this little tale, of which I understood only half because it was delivered in a strong Barnsley accent, we set off to have a look at a local tourist attraction, a working flour mill – highly recommended by the receptionist (at least, I think she recommended it, but I may have been wrong). There were some raht trouble at t’mill, however – there were no parking spaces left!
We set off in search of another attraction and found Wentworth Castle, where we were accosted by people dressed in 1920s costumes because they were doing a Murder Mystery afternoon. Great fun and not only that, they had jam sandwiches on the menu in the café – never seen that before!
Jam Sandwich
Upon our return to the hotel, we ask the receptionist about the possibility of getting a taxi into Barnsley town centre to find some refreshment:
“Taxi? TAXI? Eeh, there’s a bus stop just oop t’road, if tha desn’t mind paying £1.20.”
Off we go to the bus stop, although it cost us a whole £1.50 to the bus station – the receptionist has obviously not used the bus for a little while. And Barnsley was absolutely MANIC! People everywhere, music everywhere, fish and chip shops everywhere! Everyone seemed to speak in loud voices, which is not surprising, given the loud music, but I soon picked up the local language and learned to ask for ‘Twarves’ rather than ‘Two halves.’ People shouted at each other from one pub to another (there are lots of pubs very close to each other) in a form of local greeting:
“Oi! Oreet?”
“Aye! Oreet! You?”
“Aye! Grand!”
After a few Twarves, we headed off to a Chinese restaurant recommended by a friendly bouncer and found ourselves in a rather wonderful parallel universe where we were served by a lovely couple of young Barnsley women. The conversation during the meal went something like this:
chopsticks and bowl
Waitress 1: Would you like any drinks?
Sibling: A bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, please.
W 1: Is that the white one? I haven’t worked here long and I can never remember.
S: Yes, it’s the white one.
Me: And could we have chopsticks and bowls rather than plates and knives and forks, please?
W 1: Ooh, how wonderful! I LOVE it when people use chopsticks – I LOVE watching people use chopsticks to eat! I’ll watch you eat all your food!
Luckily, she was busy serving other customers when we were eating, so she missed the bit where I spilt hoi sin sauce all down my front!
Waitress 2 didn’t, though…
Waitress 2: Vanish!
At first, I thought this was an order to get out because I’d made a mess, but she was just recommending what to use to get rid of the stain!
In the meantime, all the other customers, who were complete strangers to each other when they entered the restaurant, were by now on first name terms and swapping addresses, having become best friends over the course of the meal. We were also best friends with the waitresses by the end of the evening, especially when one found out I live in Derby, because that’s where
Heart
her boyfriend goes to uni – I almost expected her to ask if she could come and live with me!
And there you have BARNSLEY, beloved followers! Don’t ever let anyone tell you Yorkshire people aren’t friendly – they LOVE people… and they LOVE talking! I HEART BARNSLEY!
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