lifestylesupportguru

Category: People Watching

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged…

It is difficult to concentrate on reading one’s book about unicorns, ogres, wizards and the like when the conversation next to you in the pub is so fascinating.
Picture a group of about ten people – ranging in age from early twenties to mid-fifties – arriving and settling down close by, resembling rejects from EastEnders with Derbyshire accents. The younger ones (all male) are already arguing, which doesn’t bode well, and one of them is clearly VERY annoyed and, in a whiny voice, keeps telling another in the group to stop being so selfish and to leave him alone. His cause is not helped by his having a squint, so you can’t tell who is the recipient of his remarks. It becomes perfectly clear, however, that none of them paid much attention during Literacy Hour because they only seem to know one adjective (it begins with ‘f’), which they share liberally around them. Or maybe their Literacy Hour teacher also had a limited vocabulary?
At first there is only one woman in the group, but another soon comes along and greets one of the younger males with great delight, saying that she hasn’t seen him for ages before asking him how he had got on in prison (which may explain why she hadn’t seen him for ages). He replies that it was OK, but that he got bullied a couple of times. (He also mentioned something else beginning with ‘b’ that happened to him a couple of times, but I don’t think that’s a topic for polite company.) Now, I don’t consider that I was a ‘weak’ teacher in my former life before I took on the mantle of Lifestyle Support Guru, but believe me when I say that even I would have thought long and hard before contemplating taking on this fine young specimen of manhood – at least two upper teeth missing, a tattoo or three, and a vocabulary where the only word of more than one syllable begins with ‘f’ (see above).
A problem for the LSG then arises upon realising that a visit to the Ladies is needed – but what should be done about the mobile devices – tablet, phone, mobile Wi-Fi device and mobile phone charger (I like to cover all eventualities) that are lying on the table? Rather than packing them all away and taking them to the toilets, thus signalling to the group that I don’t trust them not to snaffle them all while I’m out of sight, I take a deep breath and turn to one of the women (she was the closest) and ask, ‘Would you keep an eye on these while I nip to the loo?’ She gives me a big smile and replies, ‘Of course.’ And yes, dear readers, I married that woman! Ha ha! – of course I didn’t, but I have to admit to a tiny sigh of relief that everything was still there when I returned to my seat. (Mind you, I also checked that they all had full pints when I went to the Ladies, which they’d have had to have drunk before bundling up all my technology and legging it!)
And there you have it, Beloved Believers – never assume that people who look like villains really ARE villains. They may just be rejects from EastEnders. Back to the unicorns, ogres and wizards…

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Faithful Followers.
(There’s someone looking over my shoulder as I write this – I wonder what he’s thinking…)

Testing Times

Sauvignon Blanc

As the Lifestyle Support Guru, I feel that I need to test you from time to time. Fear not, though, fair followers, I shall not be giving you grades or putting you into league tables – no, no, no, this is purely to check how well you feel you know the LSG after having followed my musings and teachings for many moons. I shall ask a few questions and you will need to consider what the answer might be from a choice of three. I shall give the correct answers at the end, so no cheating and scrolling to the end before you have attempted the questions – think of this as the 11-plus for entry into the Grammar School of Life (the LSG’s GSL, so to speak).
The test should be completed in silence but you have as much time as you want to answer all the questions and you are permitted to have a glass of your particular choice of refreshment, such as wine, by your side to help you lubricate your brain cells – it is a known fact that dehydration slows down the thinking process; this why I am such a quick thinker because I never let dehydration slow me down.

1. Whenever I am at home, I always know when it is 12.45 p.m. without looking at a clock or my watch or listening to the radio. How do I know this?
a. Watching television
b. Nearby church bell chimes
c. An alarm clock permanently set at 12.45

2. You are in a pub ( use your imagination if you don’t usually go to a pub) and a woman with a

Wales

husky (the husky is actually irrelevant), upon finding out you are Welsh (if you’re not, again use your imagination and picture yourself as one of the luckiest people in the world), says that she would love to go to a certain Welsh town to see where The Prisoner was filmed. Where did she say she wanted to go?
a. Portmeirion
b. Port Talbot
c. Porthcawl

3. Another woman (same pub – can you see a pattern emerging here?), who has drunk a little more than is perhaps good for her (or for those in close proximity) asks if you pray. When you say that you don’t, she asks a follow-up question with a growing look of horror on her face: You’re not a/an … are you? What does she think you are:
a. A lycanthrope
b. A Buddhist
c. An atheist

4. Two sensible-looking men are in a pub (different pub from previous questions – just to add variety) and having a profound conversation about a forthcoming meeting. Are they discussing:
a. Deconstructing neoliberalism
b. Masculine fragility
c. Brexit and xenophobia

5. You are in a restaurant (makes a change from a pub) and you see a wedding group come out of the Register Office opposite – you can’t miss the group because the bridesmaids are in bright purple – and congregate in the Market Place for photos. What is the bridegroom holding in his right hand:
a. The bride’s left hand
b. A can of energy drink
c. His willy

The answers are: 1: c (I can’t work out how to turn it off); 2: b; 3: c; 4: all three (god, it was boring!); 5: b (don’t anyone try to tell me romance is dead! But wouldn’t you have loved it to be c or even all three?)

How did you do?
• 4 or 5 out of 5 – you may take my place when I’m on holiday
• 2 or 3 out of 5 – more practice and visits to the pub
• 0 or 1 out of 5 – you haven’t really paid attention to anything I’ve said over the last couple of years, have you?

Having a Good Night Out

A very good afternoon from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Following my last post about dead cats, I felt my devoted followers deserved something a little more light-hearted, so I wish to offer some advice on having a good night out, especially as I know that some of you need to get out more and may have forgotten how to socialise. This is not to say that some of you are unsociable (and having once been called ‘an unsociable b…ch’, I know how hurtful an insult this can be), merely that you think you may be too old to have a night out, especially if it involves staying up later than 10 pm. Remember, my fun-loving followers, you won’t be able to socialise and party when you are dead, so DO IT NOW!

I will set the scene: I was invited to a Presentation Evening by my good friend TT (Tiny Tyke), whom I have mentioned in previous posts. The evening was to start with us being picked up by coach in the middle of Derby at 5.30 pm, so I suggested getting a taxi about 5.15, the pickup point being only about 5 minutes away by car. Now, you need to understand that, while I like being on time, TT can be a teensy bit obsessive about it and said he’d prefer to go a little earlier to be on the safe side, especially with Friday traffic, even though I explained that the Friday afternoon traffic jam usually took place a couple of hours earlier. Consequently, I ordered a taxi for 5 pm and, of course, it turned up ten minutes early (just as the heavens opened), so we were very much ‘on the safe side’, especially since the coach arrived later than expected; we were thus able to pass an enjoyable half hour standing in the pouring rain. What fun!

Having set the scene, I shall now set out the easy-to-follow rules for Having a Good Night Out!

Wine

1. If there is no seating plan, choose the table nearest the (free) bar (even if it is next to a table with a woman who has a laugh like Woody Woodpecker).
2. Brush up on your knowledge of train-building so that you may involve yourself fully in light chit-chat. (I feel I now know more than is absolutely necessary to help me lead a full and fun-filled life).
3. If you have a handbag (or even a man bag), do make sure that you keep it on your lap all night, as my immediate neighbour did. Maybe I was looking particularly shifty and she felt the need to keep her bag away from my grubby mitts? It wouldn’t have gone with my outfit, anyway!
4. To guarantee a really enjoyable night, take your wife with you and ensure that you both keep your phones on the table – this will give you plenty to talk about as you keep each other up to date about any texts that appear, since you seem to have nothing else to discuss.
5. Make sure that your table companion (TT) keeps his excitement at a reasonable level. He does tend to get a little carried away at times, especially when talking about Mods. For those of you who have immediately conjured up an image of the Small Faces or, perhaps, Paul Weller or Mods and Rockers on Brighton beach, I should hastily explain that ‘Mods’ in ‘train-builder speak’ stands for ‘Modifications’ and often refers to train doors, again a subject about which I know more than is good for my health.
6. When the presentations (for long service) start, do try to avoid reading the care label on your new jacket instead to see if it needs dry cleaning. Luckily, TT’s name was third on the list, so I was able to maintain my level of interest that far. (To be fair, they fairly rattled through the whole list – the presenters were clearly more interested in the free bar!)
7. Resist the thought of turning down your companion’s idea of a brandy to ‘finish off the evening’, especially since the barman clearly decides you need a double! If you do NOT have that brandy, you will prevent many people from seeing the hilarious moment when you fall over getting in the taxi home – it is cruel to deprive so many of such fun when it hasn’t even cost you anything. Your companion is of no help at all since he has already taken his seat in the front of the taxi and is now incapable of moving. (It wasn’t really the brandy, you understand, but the arthritis that made my leg collapse under me.)
8. Finally, do make sure that you meet up with your companion the next day so that he may regale you with tales of his nocturnal visit to the loo where he discovered that he was still wearing his shirt and socks, although he had carefully hung up his suit before going to bed.

There you have it – an easy-to-follow guide to a fulfilled and happy life, enjoying a Good Night Out (courtesy of a rather large train-building company!). Thank you for the invitation, TT, my little Yorkshire friend!

Didn’t we have a lovely time the day we went to Bakewell!

drone

Lifestyle Support Guru here, ready to share more wisdom with you and help you make the most of those rainy days or, as they are more lovingly known in the UK – SUMMER! You will need the following to ensure you have the greatest chance of an enjoyable day out:
1. A sibling who has bought a drone for photographic purposes but then finds he is not allowed to transport it to his next place of residence (ring any bells, DOT – Dai of Turkey?).
2. Another sibling (TOFU – Trefor of ‘Ull) who is prepared to take the drone off the first sibling’s hands.
3. The second sibling will own a large, gas-guzzling 4×4 suitable for negotiating all those potholes and dunes around Hull, but he will also have been on an off-road experience or two in the Peak District, so it has been put to some PROPER use.

4 x 4

4. A weather forecast that says rain won’t be falling until the afternoon.
Having fulfilled all the necessary criteria, you should set off reasonably early to make the most of the fine weather – 10 am is perfectly acceptable, especially if you had a late night the night before.
You can be sure that, once you reach the ‘green lanes’, about half an hour later, the rain will start. ‘Green lanes’ are tracks that already exist and are public highways, although you wouldn’t want to take a little Kia Picanto along them!
You must ignore any ‘Unsuitable for motor vehicles’ signs at the start of these lanes because that is part of the fun! And it is made even more fun by seeing the looks on the faces of the walkers and cyclists who didn’t expect to see a dirty great Land Rover creeping up behind them

Green road

on a lane marked as ‘Unsuitable for motor vehicles’. What larks, as you pass them with a sweet smile and a wave while they look disdainful and/or disgruntled in their wet anoraks or lycra. It is a very pleasant way of making yourself feel superior, although you wonder if you may have to ask for their help a little later as TOFU negotiates some rather rutted tracks and you ask in a quiet voice, ‘Is there a point at which we might tip over?’ TOFU laughs light-heartedly and replies, ‘Oh, we’d have to tilt over a lot more than this.’ Curiously enough, a couple of miles further on, it is your turn to laugh light-heartedly as TOFU’s voice is a little quiet when he says, ‘Hmm, I think this is as far as I’d feel happy tilting.’
After all this tilting, you may feel the need for some refreshment, so you find a little country pub tucked away in the middle of nowhere and order a half of something called ‘Old Snouty’s Rat Juice’ or similar and settle down, the only customers, waiting for all the locals to turn up and start discussing the price of lamb or cattle feed; instead, a hipster couple turns up, looks all around the pub (which is rather small), and the following conversation ensues:

Hipster Man: Do you have a table booked for seven for lunch?
Barmaid: Yes.
HM: Are they here yet? (Remember, he has just looked all around the pub.)
B (and I swear she tried not to sigh, having seen him look around the pub): No.
HM: Do you do Sunday roast?
B: Yes.
HM: Do you do it today? (It’s Saturday)
B: No, but we do a roast of the day. Today is lamb.
Luckily, the rest of the party turned up at that point, because I was beginning to think I’d walked onto the set of some undiscovered Samuel Beckett play. However, things didn’t improve greatly because one of the party read out (loudly) every item on the menu to his wife, who then insisted on repeating the items and asking what came with them. TOFU and I finished our Rat Juice and left to return to the comparative sanity of life in the city.
One final point – I can guarantee the rain will stop the moment you get back to ‘civilisation’.
That is my annual visit to the country done for this year – there is only so much fresh air one can inhale!

The Beginnings Of Life

As you know, part of my mission as the Lifestyle Support Guru is to help you negotiate your way through the rapids and whirlpools of life and I have been reminded of this during a rare (!) visit to a local hostelry this evening. Again as you know, I make these visits purely on your behalf, since they are of no beneficial use to me. I felt that the following conversation might help you understand life and its origins, as discussed by two gentlemen of ‘a certain age’, as the French put it (although usually to describe women):
Man no. 1: You realise that it is sheer chance that we are here tonight.
Man no. 2: Yes, it was a good job we got the right bus.
MN1: No, it’s just sheer chance that I am who I am and you are who you are. I could have been a girl and so could you.
It was this profound statement that drew my attention away from ‘The Ghosts of Maple Creek’, the hidden object game that had been fascinating me for the previous 30 seconds.
MN1: If my parents had decided to make love the next night or the night before, I might have been a completely different person, depending on which sperm got to which egg.
MN2: I see what you mean. In fact, I could have been your best friend as a girl if my parents had done the same.
MN1: Exactly. In fact, it’s a wonder we’re here at all, given the Black Death.
MN2: Oh? (He’s not quite following the logic at this point, which may have something to do with the beer.)
MN1: Yes, the Black Death killed off so many that it’s surprising that any of us survived. It’s only thanks to my parents that we’re here.
MN2: Your parents?
MN1: Oh, and yours too.
(‘Phew!’ I thought)
MN2: Actually, I remember the precise moment William was conceived.
I’m hoping that William is his son and not the Duke of Cambridge.
MN1: Wow! (He was genuinely impressed!)
It was at this point that I began to wish that both of them had drunk less beer and that I had decided to stay in for once. I then tuned in to an absolutely FASCINATING conversation on the other side of the room about painting a fence…
I may have to return to ‘The Ghosts of Maple Creek’…
David Attenborough, eat your heart out…

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