lifestylesupportguru

Category: Holidays

Making Plans For The Weekend

Dungeon

A very good afternoon to you all from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Today I am going to share with you some thoughts on MAKING PLANS and THE WEEKEND, so that you have plenty of time to MAKE your own PLANS before the coming WEEKEND. You will also learn that MAKING PLANS does not always turn out as you expect. As always, the steps are easy to follow:
1. Inform sibling that you have free tickets for Warwick Castle and MAKE PLANS to visit.
2. Sibling decides on the day that he doesn’t really want to visit Warwick Castle after seeing TV ad which included lots of children in it. (We both prefer child-free venues – such as pubs.)
3. Suggest Workhouse at Southwell, Notts, but this doesn’t appeal either. (I think he thought they may well still be keeping children there – see point 2.)
4. Suggest Strutt’s Mill at Belper, which is just a bus ride away. Sibling seems quite taken with this idea, so you MAKE PLANS and invite along a friend as well.
5. Meet friend at bus stop at a reasonable hour (11 am) and he informs you that he has already

bus stop

washed his windows, made a bacon sandwich, walked into town and back and put some washing out. (At this point you feel worn out and consider going back to bed – the walk to the bus stop was exhausting enough.)
6. On arriving at t’mill, you wait for the guide while friend starts talking about an ‘articulated python’ for some reason and an image of a large, jack-knifed snake on the M1 comes into your mind. Sweetly, you enquire, ‘Do you mean a ‘reticulated python’? and friend says they’re the same thing. Sigh and hope guide turns up soon.
7. The three of you have a tour round t’mill with Barry the tour guide, who is absolutely delighted to find that your companions have a genuine interest in the engineering aspects of the weaving machines, although he couldn’t answer the question ‘Why do they go backwards and forwards?’. (WARNING: do NOT visit places with machines if your companions work in metallurgy or on the railways and you personally have no interest in engineering, other than the essentials such as knowing how to use a corkscrew.)

reticulated python

8. Before returning home, you make a small detour via a little micropub (well, I suppose a micropub will be small, by definition!) that has been recommended by some other friends who also have an interest in real ales (I choose my friends carefully!). Inside the pub, as a feature, is what looks like an old, small motorbike; friend, after examining it closely, confidently declares to all and sundry: ‘That’s either a Raleigh or a Dennis Hughes.’ (as I thought he said at the time). With an air of triumph (not the motorbike manufacturers, ha ha!) he turns to the barman who promptly tells him that it’s a Mobylette from France. Sad face from friend. (For those who know about motorbikes, friend didn’t say it was a ‘Dennis Hughes’ but an ‘NSU’. Still no wiser, but at least I know my reticulated pythons from my articulated ones! Or maybe he meant Kaa, the ‘articulate’ python in the Jungle Book?)
9. Finish the day off by going to a local Chinese buffet where friend attempts to pour a glass of wine while the top is still on the bottle. As I said earlier, I choose my friends carefully!
So there you have it, dear followers and acolytes – PLANNING a weekend is easy; it’s actually following the PLANS that’s difficult! You have all of Thursday and Friday to MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS!

Have you “BEEN”?

A very good evening, one and all, from the Lifestyle Support Guru. This evening I have a SORRY TALE to tell and a HARD LESSON learned – this is after I found that Good Golly Miss Molly, my black cat, has learned to open cat food pouches (but that’s another story)!

Letter E

So, what have I learned? – that WANTING A WEE can be EXPENSIVE.
The story starts at an Italian evening class (although it could just as easily be Serbo-Croat, Painting By Numbers or Knit Your Own Knickers if you prefer) where you find that the Italian for ‘electricity’ is surprisingly difficult to say. (This point is actually irrelevant, but it surprised me, nevertheless.) During the lesson, make sure that you drink a cup of coffee and half a bottle of orange Oasis but decide that you’ll make it home before WANTING A WEE. However, you forget that you need to call in at Sainsbury’s for petrol on your way home

Need toilet

because you won’t have time tomorrow morning before setting off for the wilds of Chesterfield. ‘Aha!’ you think. ‘They’ve got a toilet inside the store, so I’ll call in there before getting petrol.’

Having done the necessary (too much information?) and washed your hands, as instructed on the back of the toilet door – ‘Wash Your Hands’, without even a ‘Please’ – you decide you might as well have a look at the birthday cards while you’re here because it’s a sibling’s birthday in a few days’ time and you spend a pleasant ten minutes giggling at the ‘Humorous’ section before choosing a card which you think is hilarious, although your sister may not when she opens it next week.

That done, you decide it would be a shame to leave the store without having a quick look in the Clothing section, although you have no intention of buying anything, of course! Unfortunately, this rather delicious orange top leaps out at you and you decide to follow the golden rule – ‘if it isn’t yellow, or blue and white stripes, then go for orange’. Besides, you just KNOW that it’s a different shade of orange from the ones you’ve bought in previous years.

ATM

Having made your purchases, you leave the store and realise that you have very little money on you and you may well be in need of refreshment a little later on (because your mouth is dry from practising ‘electricity’ to yourself in Italian), so you go to the wine voucher machine (aka the Cashpoint) before finally going to get some petrol, which costs you an arm and a leg because the tank was rather empty.

So there you have it, dear LSG worshippers – always ask yourself ‘Have you been?’ before setting out on any journey of more than twenty minutes’ duration after you have consumed any beverages because WANTING A WEE can cost you unexpected SQUILLIONS!

Enjoy the rest of your evening – and before you go to bed, ask yourself, ‘Have you been?’

New Year Greetings

New Year 2015

New Year greetings from the Lifestyle Support Guru!
I know many of my adoring followers will have missed my posts over the Christmas period, but even the LSG has to have time off – and, being the thoughtful, caring person that I am, nor did I want to distract any of you from your own celebrations with family and friends (although I suspect some of you would have welcomed such distractions, if you’re absolutely honest). (Actually, if I’m being absolutely honest, I was too busy working my way through the Christmas sherry, champagne and wine to write joyful – and coherent – thoughts about the festive season.)

So, here we are in 2015 and what thoughts do I have to help you navigate your way safely through the coming year?

Resolution!

1. Firstly, I hope none of you has been foolish enough to make any NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. This is always a VERY SILLY THING to do, because you will inevitably end up breaking them (if you haven’t done so already).
2. Any NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS that haven’t yet been broken will be broken by the end of January at the latest.
3. The January sales are now over, so you may safely go back to the shops and find some decent things to buy instead of the rubbish that appears in all shops at midnight on Boxing Day.
4. If you were persuaded to buy a new sofa by all those charming TV adverts, remember that you usually have 14 days to change your mind – you KNOW that a multi-coloured sofa with matching footstool is NEVER going to fit in with your décor.

Having said all the above, I have personally made one or two NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS, but this is because I am the LSG and I am strong-minded enough to keep them. Feel free to borrow them or adapt them to your own circumstances:

out to lunch

1. Keep going out for lunch as often as possible. We need food to live, so it’s silly to turn down the chance of not starving to death.
2. Drink wine – studies have shown that it can help you live longer, although the jury is still out on whether it should be red or white wine, so I will drink both colours, just to be on the safe side (with the occasional glass of rosé thrown in for good measure – it’s always good to keep your options open).
3. Accept all invitations to wine-tastings – this should enable you to live to a ripe old age (see 2 above).

Champagne

Following the above NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS should help you to get through the rest of 2015 without too much grief and anxiety (wine helps to relieve symptoms of anxiety, I have found). For those of you who prefer a different type of life-enhancing liquid refreshment, simply replace any mention of ‘wine’ with ‘Bow’.

And what do I hope for in this coming year? Not much – I am a simple soul, after all:
1. David Tennant will smile in at least one episode of the new series of ‘Broadchurch’.
2. Jenna Coleman will be replaced in ‘Dr Who’ – she’s far too pretty for her own good.
3. You will all have a great 2015.

And, finally, remember – there are only about 350 more days to NEXT Christmas!

Autumn Holiday in France

Dinard, Brittany, France

Bonsoir, tout le monde! Lifestyle Support Guru here back from the land of snails and frogs’ legs and brimming with GOOD ADVICE on how to MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR HOLIDAY!!
First, some PRE-HOLIDAY ADVICE:
1. Check the local forecast and ensure that you have enough clothes to cover all eventualities – shorts, t-shirts, jumpers, trousers, sandals, shoes, socks, trainers, vests (that’s for you, Dear Sister) more tops.
2. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
3. Check your packing list and realise you’ve left out underwear, so add enough for at least ten days (when you’re only going for three days) in case the French ports go on strike and you’re stuck for a few more days in the land of baguettes and rare steak. (I picked about the only week when the French ports weren’t on strike.)
4. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
5. Put in an extra jumper or two in case the weather turns Arctic.
6. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
7. Go and pick up friend and realise that you haven’t packed any anoraks (in case the weather turns stormy).
8. Return home and collect two anoraks, one light, one heavy – just in case.
8. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
9. When collecting anoraks, also pick up another jumper and t-shirt – just in case.
10. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
GO ON HOLIDAY.

Now, some POST-HOLIDAY ADVICE:
You have an 11-hour overnight return ferry crossing, so you will need to find some way of getting some sleep in your ‘reserved reclining lounge seat’:
a. Go to the bar for a couple of hours and watch the ‘entertainment’, which is exactly the same ‘entertainment’ as on the way out :- i) a duo singing slightly out of tune; ii) a magician who is about the most boring magician you’ve ever seen; iii) the Sussex Jazz Kings, who are missing their lead player because he’s being sea-sick, which is described in far too much detail by his understudy.
b. Return to the ‘reserved reclining lounge seat’ and find that it’s far too uncomfortable to spend the next six or seven hours trying to sleep in it, so follow the lead of a silver-haired ‘older’ lady who has stretched herself out on the lounge floor.

stretched on the floor to sleep

c. Cover yourself with your National Trust tartan rug, which becomes more and more scratchy as the hours pass by, and your blow-up pillow keeps losing its ‘blow-upedness’.
d. Think nice thoughts to try and soothe yourself to sleep.
e. Nice thoughts don’t work, so spend an hour or two plotting revenge against a girl who pinched your (then) boyfriend almost 40 years ago.
f. Go to the toilet and trip over the outstretched feet of the silver-haired lady who seems to have had no problem getting to sleep on the lounge floor (but not any longer, ha ha!).
g. Spend five minutes thinking of ways of murdering your friend who is fast asleep in her ‘reserved reclining lounge seat’ and snoring gently.
h. Spend some time wondering if the lake of wine you’ve brought back with you will last until Christmas.
h. Decide that your earlier plans of revenge against the girl who pinched your (then) boyfriend were nowhere near nasty enough, so spend another pleasant hour or two thinking up more murderous ways of getting your own back when you meet up with her in a ‘Home for the Bewildered’ in the not-too-distant future .
i. Fall asleep and find you are woken five minutes later by the lights coming on and a voice announcing that you are almost in Portsmouth.

There, the PERFECT HOLIDAY!! Now all I need to do is get a good night’s sleep before attending a pagan wedding tomorrow.
Bon week-end, mes amis!

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