lifestylesupportguru

Category: Holidays

Travel Tips 3 – Car on Fire!

Indian Ocean

Well, beloved believers, here I am, with the sound of the Indian Ocean whispering gently in the background, once more offering you support and succour in your search for success and salvation in this sometimes sad state of existence. In other words, I hope to make you smile!

I realise that I have not yet explained how DOT’s car almost caught fire, so I shall give advice on avoiding such a catastrophe. (For those who may be new to the Lifestyle Support Guru, DOT is a sibling known as Dai Of Tanzania. The other accompanying sibling is TOFU, or Trefor OF ‘Ull.) In addition to motoring matters, I shall be advising on the essential look to cultivate this season when in an EXTREMELY HOT place.

Both male siblings are extremely practical people and I am always pleased when they find

Pet rescue

themselves a project because it means they will leave me in peace to play Pet Rescue rather than taking a brisk walk in the searing African heat. This particular project involved the simple task of putting the battery back in DOT’s 4×4 – it had been on charge all night after being drained when helping someone else start their car with jump leads (I sound as if I know what I’m talking about, don’t I?). I am happily ensconced on the computer and can hear the contented chatter of siblings outside as they do a passable imitation of Jeremy Clarkson (only nicer). Suddenly, I hear TOFU cry out, ‘Open the bonnet! Open the bonnet! It’s on fire!’ I rush to the door to see smoke pouring from the engine while TOFU and DOT are doing their best to remove the battery, which had shorted because of an exposed wire (I still sound as if I know what I’m talking about). It all ended happily, with the exposed wire replaced and the car running smoothly, if smelling a little bit like the day after Bonfire Night.

Masai

Now, with regard to matters sartorial, I have to inform you that, not surprisingly, the LSG has been attracting many glances since arriving on the east coast of Zanzibar this morning (I cannot think that the glances are anything but admiring). The ‘look’ is easy to achieve – simply take a gentle stroll along the white sands in the heat of the midday sun, then speed up a little to get away from the ‘genuine’ Masai trying to sell you anything from a ‘genuine’ Masai bracelet handwoven in the factory down the road to a ‘genuine’ Masai Manchester Utd football shirt knitted by ‘genuine’ Masai grandmothers, and all of this sales pitch accompanied by the constant repetition of ‘Hakuna Matata’, which has probably never been heard outside the West End or Broadway.
You will arrive at your destination (a beach bar, of course) with the PERFECT ‘look’, which will be admired by svelte Swedes, nymphlike Norwegians and delicious Danes, all of whom will be imitating the ‘look’ tomorrow – red face, sweat dripping into your beer, hair resembling a pan scourer. You’ll know you’ve made it when one sibling looks at you, laughs and says, ‘Are you sure you like hot climates?’ The answer, of course, is ‘Hakuna Matata’!

Enjoy your weekend and think of me suffering the trials and tribulations of another day on white sand, soothed by the murmuring of the sea in the background. It’s a hard life, but someone has to experience it. All I need to say is: Tatou Kilimanjaro barridi, taffidali.

Travel Tips – East Africa – Transport and Toilets

Tanzania sunset

Hello again, dearest devotees! Once more, I am here to help you negotiate your way as safely as possible through the maze that we laughingly call ‘life’, so I am going to continue using my experiences here in former German East Africa to guide you. My main topics today are TRANSPORT and TOILETS, although not necessarily in order of importance and not excluding other topics which may crop up as side issues. For those of a nervous disposition, I shall not be discussing TOILETS in more detail than is absolutely necessary.
TRANSPORT is essential if one is to participate FULLY in local life – in other words, if one wishes to visit the local bars. The easiest (and cheapest) form of TRANSPORT is the piki-piki. This is a small motorcycle with a 150cc engine – one perches delicately on the back as the driver skilfully weaves in and out of three lanes of traffic. By ‘three lanes’, I do not mean that there are three lanes on your side of the road, just that the one lane on your side has three lines of traffic on it! Such fun! And to add to the thrill, you are not required to wear a helmet and there are pretty vicious speed bumps at irregular intervals along the road. Your mind wanders to thoughts of how to explain to your insurance company just how you came to fly gracefully through the air as you hit a large pothole.
However, all this is eclipsed by ‘the dismount’: everyone else (i.e. your two siblings) seems able to dismount from the piki-piki quite effortlessly and stylishly, but there is one person who has not quite mastered the art – her dismount involves balancing on her left foot on the ground, gripping the driver’s left shoulder hard while swinging her right leg in a less-than-graceful arc over the back seat of the piki-piki and taking two or three staggering steps before standing upright – this occurs both before AND after visits to the local bars (so those of you putting this down to the effects of alcohol will have to amend your suspicions). Piki-piki drivers queue up to take this particular passenger because of, as one sibling delicately put it, ‘your big tips’. (I think that’s what he said.)

Tuk Tuk

Now, I haven’t even mentioned the tuk-tuk or the almost-destroyed-by-fire Suzuki Samurai, but I am afraid they will have to wait for the next post because I feel I am running out of space to talk about TOILETS and I believe this is something I need to address, especially for those who may be considering a visit to this part of the world, in particular my female followers.

toilet

TOILETS, I am sure you will agree, are an essential part of one’s daily life and I have now learned not to trust one particular sibling when enquiring as to whether a bar will have a ‘proper’ toilet or an African one. He doesn’t really know (since, to be fair, he doesn’t frequent the ladies’ toilets as a general rule), but bases it on how much a beer costs – the more expensive the beer, the more likely it is to have ‘proper’ toilets. (As a rule of thumb, this does NOT work!) A ‘proper’ toilet will have a bowl and a seat. An African one will involve rolling up your trouser legs to avoid getting them wet as you squat over a hole in the ground while trying to maintain your balance (see piki-piki story above). This is all GOOD FUN! And that, I think, adoring acolytes, will suffice insofar as detail about TOILETS is concerned.
I leave you this evening with the thought that my understanding of Swahili is increasing by the minute: BBCSwahili is on the TV in the hotel bar and I have understood so much: ‘Tanzania’, ‘Zambia’, ‘SkyTV’, ‘Manchester City’, ‘Arsene Wenger’, Donald Trump, so much more…
Hakuna matata!

Travel – flying high and Frozen!

Flying

A very good afternoon to all my devoted followers from the Lifestyle Support Guru, flying at a height of 37,000 feet at over 500 mph. Only another three and a half hours to go, so I thought I would employ some of the time usefully by passing on a few pearls of wisdom about TRAVEL.

First of all, learn to tell the difference between pounds and kilos, since this will help enormously when packing. There are some people who have been known to use an electronic weighing device and not realise that it displays the weight in pounds or kilos, depending on which button is pressed. Consequently, you may find yourself driving up the motorway to a northern city, worrying needlessly about how much you will be charged for excess baggage. Imagine your relief when your travelling companion, who lives in this northern city, points out to you that you have been weighing in pounds instead of kilos! Imagine, also, the annoyance when you realise that you COULD have included those couple of extra tops that you had left behind in despair!

Upon arrival at the first airport, just outside the northern city, ensure that you join the right queue to drop off your luggage. Do NOT follow the example of a couple of people (who may or may not be siblings travelling to visit another sibling in a far-off country) who joined what they thought was the right queue until an airport employee came up to them and gently queried whether they were really flying to the North Sea offshore rigs! I think the four suitcases may have given it away.

You also need to consider what items of clothing you are going to wear for travelling – should an underwired bra be your apparel of choice (and I address this to the gentlemen as well as the ladies), be prepared to bleep and be frisked as you go through security. And do NOT forget about that little spray of screen cleaner in the front of your laptop bag, as one person did – you will find yourself confronted by a very stern-looking gentleman who will call you ‘Madam’ in a very serious voice as he rifles through your cabin luggage (which holds nothing more interesting than a pair of pyjamas, a hot air brush, a make-up bag, some rechargeable batteries – complete with charger – and several lots of tablets. But I bet the Duchess of Cambridge’s holds nothing of greater interest – maybe a spare pack of Pampers or baby powder?).

When you change planes for the second, longer leg of the journey, you will find yourself offered a bewildering array of films to help you while away the hours. Unfortunately, you have already seen most of them in recent weeks, so you are more or less left with a choice between ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ or ‘Frozen’. I’m glad Elsa turned out alright in the end.

And there I shall end this first missive about TRAVEL – you have enough to ponder on and put into practice when you next TRAVEL. I shall keep you informed of any further advice that may occur to me as I continue my journey into the heart of Africa (well, it’s the east coast, technically speaking, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it).

Hakuna matata!

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Happy

Happy lightness

A very good evening to all my followers! As winter draws (and drawers) ever nearer, I felt you might need some help and encouragement in seeing your way through these cold, dark nights. I have previously written about looking at the positive side of things, but I now have some further support to offer, having had some experience this week of looking on the bright side of life (hmm, that could be good title for a song…). Much of this advice is particularly pertinent to those of you who wear glasses or contact lenses – and for those of you who don’t, believe me – it will happen at some point!

sun glasses

You will need to visit your local, friendly optician for an eye test (free for those of us over a certain age) and casually drop into the conversation that you will be going to Africa in the near future so you wonder if you should get a pair of varifocals with light-reactive lenses, because it’s bound to be sunny and at the moment you only have a pair of boring, non-light-reactive bifocals (again, age will bring these delights for those of you who don’t need them just yet) which you wear as little as possible.
You think this might be a sensible (but expensive) idea in case you get some grit in your eye whilst on safari or lying on a sandy beach on Zanzibar (your local, friendly optician may start to look annoyed at this point) and have to remove your lenses and wear glasses instead. You explain that a few weeks ago you had to wear your glasses for longer than usual AND out in public (a rare occurrence) and it happened to be a sunny day (you may recall that day – August 17th, if my memory serves me well), so the only solution was to wear a pair of plain sunglasses on top of the ‘ordinary’ glasses. Now, while the Lifestyle Support Guru can get away with such a look, it is not something that ordinary mortals should cultivate because people will look at you in an odd fashion.

old shoe

Your local, friendly optician, realising that you have already spent a fortune on the forthcoming trip to Africa (threadbare clothes, shoes with no soles, that sort of thing), will suggest a much cheaper option of daily contact lenses to take with you (I think he was still trying to picture the LSG driving around wearing sunglasses on top of ordinary glasses), which you agree sounds much more acceptable – and probably less frightening for those one might meet on one’s travels!
Your local, friendly optician then asks if you have any other questions and you mention that you have seen a product which might relieve your ‘dry eye’ problem (which is a bit misleading because ‘dry eye’ actually makes your eyes water!), which is an eye mask that is heated in the microwave before placing it over the eyes for 5-10 minutes. He agrees that this might be helpful and this is where the ‘looking on the bright side’ comes in – instead of feeling sad that you are getting older and things are starting to fall apart, you can feel happy because you now have an excuse to go back to bed for 10 minutes because you need to lie down in a darkened room twice a day!

Lying down for 10 minutes

And the other experiences of looking on the positive side? An acquaintance offers earlier in the week to come round on Saturday morning to discuss possible plans for your garden (I use that term loosely), but you realise that you’d rather go and see ‘Spectre’ on Saturday, so you seek him out in the pub (where I meet most of my acquaintances) to offer your apologies and arrange another date. However, before you can say, ‘I’m really sorry, but something really urgent has come up tomorrow morning, so could we postpone the garden inspection?’, the acquaintance apologises profusely for not coming around THIS morning! ‘No problem!’ you reply sweetly, ‘We’ll rearrange it for another time. I can’t do tomorrow, though.’
And, finally, that ‘bright side’ moment when you realise you are up there with the ‘big players’. You have finally filled in your Tax Return (this is not a BIG Tax Return, believe me) after putting it off for months and you give details of the interest earned on your current account – a MASSIVE 13 pence! I think that’s probably more than Starbucks, Amazon and Google have paid put together, so I think George Osborne should be really grateful!

Always look on the bright side of life, dadah, dadadadadadah…
Enjoy your weekend, devoted acolytes!

Decisions And Choices

Which way?

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru. Today, I want to talk to you about making DECISIONS and CHOICES, something that we all have to do at some point in life. DECISIONS can range from the mundane, such as ‘Do I want jam on my toast this morning?’ to the very IMPORTANT such as ‘Do I want this top in a yellow or a green stripe?’ (although I am trying to wean myself off stripes after realising that 6 out of 7 tops on my washing line the other day were striped).
I was recently faced with several (well, two, to be precise) situations which involved making DECISIONS, situations which I thought I would share with you, my dear followers, so that you know what you might encounter should you find yourself in similar positions.
You decide to go into town to purchase some new underwear and you visit a well-known supplier of such items – let’s use the initials M&S, just as an example, although other purveyors of such items are available, but these tend to be more ‘unreliable’ (for want of a better word) or well beyond one’s budget. And this is where the first DECISIONS have to be made. You find yourself presented with a bewildering array of CHOICES: ‘Balcony’, ‘Plunge’, ‘More Cleavage’, ‘Uplift’, ‘Padded’, ‘Wired’, ‘NonWired’, ‘Minimiser’, ‘Sport'(unlikely for the LSG) or a mixture – at this point you feel like shouting ‘I just want a BRA!’ Almost any combination is possible! There was one which was described as an ‘Uplift Runway’, which sounded more like something where you might expect to find a Boeing 747 rather than female appendages. (Boys, don’t think I am

aeroplane Boeing 747

excluding you – as you know, the LSG is fully inclusive, so feel free to learn from this experience, either personally or for a ‘significant other’.) Of course, having found a perfectly acceptable style which is not going to squeeze you into a shape resembling a cross between Katie Price and Kim Kardashian, you are now faced with a CHOICE of colours, but by this time you just want a coffee and you grab the nearest white one (because the flesh-coloured ones are slightly creepy) and pay.
And this is where the next DECISION comes in:
Where to have a coffee? The LSG is fond of independent cafes rather than the chains which don’t pay their taxes and are sometimes too pretentious for their own good, but your need for some refreshment overcomes your principles and you head for a nearby café which shall remain anonymous but whose name begins with C and ends in A. After reading the ‘menu’, you ask if they have ‘an ordinary decaff coffee’, which leads to the first set of raised eyebrows – ‘ORDINARY?’ is almost written in the pained expression on the barista’s face.
‘Medium or large?’
‘Do you do small?’
Again, the raised eyebrows, and the barista (he’s a bloody waiter when all’s said and done) pointedly searches for a small cup.
‘Full or skimmed milk?’

coffee

Wearily) ‘Do you have semi-skimmed?’
More raised eyebrows, then, seeing the growing frustration on your face: ‘I can do half and half.’
You finally get your coffee – which costs almost as much as your newly-purchased bra – and seat yourself in the furthest reaches of this establishment, well away from the possibility of contact with any other human being. The LSG may wish to help others live a fuller and more enjoyable life, but there are times when even she feels the weight of this responsibility falling heavily on her shoulders and needs to withdraw from the hubbub of daily life. (I would have gone to the pub, but they weren’t open at that hour.)

Enjoy the long Bank Holiday weekend, dear devotees! May the rain fall elsewhere other than on you!

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