lifestylesupportguru

Category: Happiness

The Perfect Host

Hosting guests

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru!
Some time ago, I posted some advice on being the PERFECT GUEST. This evening I wish to expand on this, having hosted a weekend of VISITORS

. This time, if you follow this advice, you will ensure that everyone has a WONDERFUL TIME, whether as HOST or GUEST. Although there may seem to be a lot of instructions, they are really quite easy to follow and require little more than a group bus ticket and some stamina.

1. GUESTS should coordinate their arrival perfectly to ensure they all turn up at the same time – this means that the HOST has no time to worry about those last-minute arrangements, such as fresh flowers, which always add that little welcoming touch, I think. That said, I’m not sure that three hulking men away for a weekend of watching rugby and football would necessarily have noticed a lovely flower arrangement so, on second thoughts, don’t bother with the flowers. So there you are: you already have less to worry about!
2. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.

wine

3. Take your GUESTS and other friends on a tour of the local area to show them the lovely sights of Derbyshire – the Little Chester Ale House, the Black Bull’s Head, the Thorn Tree, the Five Lamps, the Coach and Horses (bar AND lounge).
4. Check how much wine you have in the fridge
5. One GUEST may tell you that he ALWAYS wakes up early, so he’ll go out for a walk in the morning to avoid disturbing everyone else. The HOST will come downstairs at about 9 the next morning to find the insomniac GUEST still

Laughing Cat

fast asleep on the sofa bed. The HOST should clean up the little mess on the carpet at the bottom of the bed which has been kindly left by one of the cats, but which has not woken the GUEST, even though the noise of a cat being sick is usually enough to wake the dead.
6. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
7. Supply tea, coffee, toast as required, then wonder what the neighbours will think of one GUEST wandering around the garden in a t-shirt and underpants, which he decides will suffice instead of going for an early morning walk.
8. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
9. The HOST should have a shower and stay upstairs drying hair and trying to repair the ravages of the previous day’s excesses so that GUESTS have time to wash up cups and plates (before the HOST points to the dishwasher).
10. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
11. The HOST should take the GUESTS to a restaurant to taste the local specialities – a selection of tapas – before the party heads to another local hostelry (the Golden Eagle) for an afternoon’s rugby and more local specialities, this time garlic Scotch eggs. Eventually, at 9 pm, the insomniac GUEST will decide that he’s had enough so will be escorted home by the HOST who should ensure that he makes it safely to bed before returning to meet up again with the other GUESTS. The Ale House and Coach once more benefit from the GUESTS (minus one) and HOST wishing to make sure that they have no money (or brain cells) left at the end of the day.
12. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.

Large glass red wine

13. Wave goodbye to GUESTS the following morning (well, two out of three guests – one is having so much fun, he decides to stay another night).
14. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
15. Monday morning: wave goodbye to the final GUEST after showing him the little dead bird that another of the cats felt would be a spectacular leaving present… and BREATHE!
16. Check how much wine you have in the house.

Satisfaction guaranteed with very little effort.

Quiz Question Giggles

Giggle

A very good afternoon from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Today I am not going to offer any advice; instead, I am going to MAKE YOU GIGGLE with some quiz answers that have made me smile and GIGGLE in the last few days.

The first was a conversation overheard in the pub (where else?) the other evening during the quiz night. I will set the scene:
Mother and father, young son (about 11) and young daughter (about 14) are sitting at the table next to the LSG’s, waiting for a taxi to take them home after attending the nearby Concert in the Park. The question master asks, ‘Who

Hannibal crossing the Alps

crossed the Alps with elephants?’
Mother (to the rest of her party): I think it was Hannibal.Daughter: Who’s Hannibal?
M: He crossed the Alps with elephants.
D: Where are the Alps?
M: In France, I think.
D: No, that’s not right. The Alps are in South America. How could you cross them with elephants? They don’t have elephants in South America.
(LSG thinks: they’re not that common in France either.)
M: I thought you were doing Geography GCSE?
D: Yes, but we haven’t done the Alps.
Sadly, their taxi arrived at this point because I would have loved to hear their answers to the rest of the questions.

The second occasion to make me GIGGLE was last night. Once more, let me set the scene: my television has developed an annoying habit of tuning itself into random TV stations whenever I turn it on. Last night it was tuned into some station showing re-runs of old quiz programmes and ‘Bullseye’ was on, so I sat watching it for a few minutes whilst waiting for the cats to decide whether they wanted to stay in or go out (I spend quite a bit of time waiting for them to make their minds up).

Dalai Lama

Jim Bowen (you can do your own impressions): Now, Roy, your next question – who is the spiritual leader of Tibet?
Roy (brow furrowed): Erm, the Higher Llama?
JB (straight faced): I’m sorry; that’s wrong. Fran, do you know the answer?
Fran (big grin to go with her big hair and big glasses): Yes, it’s the Dire Llama.

Othello and Desdemona

And finally, my favourite, passed on to me by a good Geordie friend, whom I shall call Jo for the sake of convenience. Scene-setting: a family party a few years ago where they were playing Trivial Pursuit and Jo was helping her 14-year-old nephew with his answers by whispering them to him when he got stuck.

Question: What is the name of the main female lead in Shakespeare’s ‘Othello’?
Jo (whispering): Desdemona
Nephew: What?
J: Desdemona.
N: What?
J: Desdemona.
N (calling out his answer): Dennis the Moaner!

I’m still giggling at that one! Have a good week!

Dismayed, Distraught, Disturbed and Distressed!

Dismayed and distraught

Good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! I have to inform you that I am Dismayed, Distraught, Disturbed and Distressed! Unexpected things have occurred and they have made me realise that, perhaps, my life is sometimes closer to the ‘ordinary’ than I might have believed – indeed, closer than you, my dear followers, might yourselves have believed. Yes, the LSG is ALMOST human! But what has caused this toppling of the idol, I hear you ask. How has she developed clay feet? (I hear your voices all the time, my devotees, asking me to explain the deeper mysteries of life such as ‘Where can I get a good pint?’, ‘How much should I pay for a pint of milk?’, ‘Is a beach body worth the effort, especially if you’re only going to Skegness or Barry Island?’)
Imagine the first scene:
I am in a quirky little gift shop (the gifts are quirky, rather than the shop), perusing quirky items and wondering if a friend would appreciate a quirky frog

Quirky ornament

ornament for her garden (I decided to buy her a birthday meal instead in the end). A shop assistant, who hadn’t seen me come in, was in a corner of the shop arranging a display of tasteful, miniature wrought iron tea light holders and had her back to me as I pondered the merits of various sizes of frogs (I used to do that all the time when I worked in France). Suddenly, she turned round and screamed when she saw me! I screamed in return, thinking she’d spotted a mad axeman behind me (see a previous blog), but it was simply that she didn’t know I was behind her. I was DISTRAUGHT! The LSG has never had such an effect before!
So, what else has DISTRESSED me this week? Well, I have learned that I CANNOT TRUST WHAT I SEE ON THE NEWS and it is all down to a relative (let’s call him my nephew, for the sake of argument) who is determined to educate me and broaden my horizons, not realising that my horizons (and other parts of me) are already broad enough – after all, I am the LSG!

weather forecast

All these years, I had thought that the nice weather map at the end of the BBC News was a neatly drawn wall display at which the weather wallahs pointed to indicate where it would rain (usually Wales, Ireland, Scotland and most of England except for a small spot above wherever Kate and Wills may be staying). But NO! It is a computer-generated image – they are actually pointing at a blank, blue wall! Oh, the DISMAY, dear devotees! The DESPAIR!

But worse was to come! Apparently, much of the background of the main outside news reports could also be projected in the same way! All this time, I have flinched as I thought John Simpson or Jeremy Bowen were about to be blown up as they reported from some war-torn outpost when, in fact, they may actually be standing indoors, flak vests on, cup of tea to the side, in front of a blue wall onto which some computer geek is projecting scenes from ‘Mad Max’ or ‘Saving Private Ryan’! And that nice Nicholas Witchell could easily be standing inside a nice, warm studio rather than in the pouring rain outside Buckingham Palace waiting to tell us what the Queen had for tea!
Oh, how my dreams were shattered! How my heroes could be idols with feet of clay (see

Corkscrew

above)! And I can’t watch the ITV weather girlies instead because their hand movements are so theatrical, daaahlings – one wonders if they are practising for a part in a Bollywood dance film. What is a girl to do? There is only one answer – turn to drink!

And with that thought, I shall go and pour myself a comforting glass of Sauvignon Blanc and watch something soothing like ‘Titanic’ – at least I know THAT is real (although I sometimes wonder how the cameramen survived to bring back all that footage).
Enjoy the rest of your evening!

Pastime

Hello once more, dearest devotees! The Lifestyle Support Guru is here again to help you live your life more fully and gain a greater sense of achievement and fulfilment. I realise that it is not many days since I guided you through the pitfalls of MAKING PLANS, but I feel that I need to share another experience with you and encourage you to fill those empty moments in your life with a … PASTIME!

painted hand

Some of you may feel that you already have enough in your life with activities such as photography, knitting, cooking, crocheting, feeding the piranhas, watching paint dry, but TRUST ME – this PASTIME can offer hours of amusement (or even bemusement). Tell us about this wonderful form of recreation, I hear you cry. Let me keep you in suspense no longer … the BEAUTY SALON! Already I hear your cries of disillusionment (and not just from the males among you), but again I say TRUST ME! All of life is here! Be prepared to be AMAZED!
1. You enter the BEAUTY SALON expecting simply to have your feet scrubbed, polished and painted (actually, it’s your nails that will be painted, not your feet) and are led upstairs (downstairs is for hair) where you relax in a comfortable chair, ready to be pampered.
2. Coffee in hand, feet in the foot spa, you flick idly through celebrity magazines as your feet are gently massaged and soothed (actually, it tickles and you want to giggle, but that would be SO

feet in water

uncool!). You decide that celebrities are incredibly boring, so you chat to the beautician – who also happens to be the salon owner – and ask her how long she’s been doing this (really intellectual question!), expecting her to say about three years, since she looks about 20. You learn that not only did she do three years’ training as a beautician, but she also spent another three years working in a salon in Nottingham, followed by 7 years as a youth worker before further training in hairdressing! She then tells you that you have nice feet (hahahaha!) and she wished she had feet like yours. In your mind you wish that she had your feet if you could exchange them for her skin, looks and figure (but maybe not the teal green hair), although you realise that chubby white feet might look a little strange on long, brown, flawless legs. Sigh.
3. You are left to your own devices when the beautician goes downstairs to answer a query about the cost of a FULL male waxing – yes, I mean FULL! – which she and her assistant discussed in front of you first (in a very tasteful way, I have to say, but ‘bum’ came into the conversation more than once). While you are sitting with your feet wrapped in towels as the

tan machine

lime, coriander, garlic and chilli foot cream – only joking! – does its job, you hear footsteps outside and in walks a chap of indeterminate age – let’s say 70 to be on the safe side – who smiles, says ‘Alright, me duck.’ and then steps into a large, silver tube-like machine standing in the corner of the room. A minute later, a humming noise emanates from the machine and you expect Dr Who or, at the very least, a dalek, to come charging out, but disappointment awaits … 10 minutes later, the same man emerges – looking no different from when he went in – smiles, says, ‘See you, me duck’ and departs the way he came. Apparently, he does this at least three times a week!
4. Finally, you are ready to leave with your newly-polished nails ( a sort of pale lilac) and your

constipated Duck

soft, sweet-smelling feet – unfortunately, the whole effect is spoiled as you walk downstairs because the sandals you are wearing have a smooth bottom (see ‘male waxing’ above) and you are worried that, as a result, your moisturised extremities may cause you to slip, so you descend VERY slowly, gripping the handrail tightly and walking something like a constipated duck. But your feet look nice and you realise you have found a new PASTIME!
Visiting the BEAUTY SALON is going to have to become a regular event – if a 70-year-old man can go there three times a week, you can manage it at least once a month, which counts as a regular PASTIME! (However, you do wonder if the 70-year-old is perhaps a retired MP on a large pension.)
Now you know what to do if you are at a loose end this weekend – get a PASTIME!

Beating Challenges

Challenge

Good afternoon from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Today I have some VERY USEFUL ADVICE on BEATING CHALLENGES, having myself beaten several this morning, so this ADVICE is very current! Here are the challenges I have taken on and beaten, in no particular order of importance or occurrence:
1. For this CHALLENGE you will need one keyboard and one cat. The cat will be one that likes walking all over the keyboard while you are trying to do some very important work (for example, trying to beat today’s Microsoft Daily Solitaire Challenge). The CHALLENGE is to remove the keyboard and place it on your lap BEFORE the cat can walk all over the keys and turn on/off various functions (which you don’t understand anyway, but that’s not the point). You will, of course, be extremely uncomfortable trying to use the keyboard on your lap, but you will also feel extremely satisfied because you have BEATEN THE CHALLENGE!
2. This next CHALLENGE also requires a cat, but a chair instead of a keyboard. The cat will have ensconced itself on the chair in your bedroom while you are having a shower (or any other domestic task that requires you to be out of the bedroom) and will have left you a small space on which to sit and dry your hair. Do not just pick up and remove the cat – this is cheating! You must sit (uncomfortably) on the small space and carry on as normal until the cat decides that she has had enough of being squashed and gets up and leaves. You have BEATEN THE CHALLENGE!
3. This particular CHALLENGE is one that I really enjoy – frightening siblings, preferably at least

disaster

once a week! There are several methods of doing this, but the easiest is, by far, the posting of horror stories about dreadful things that can happen to you in the summer.
a) One of your siblings lives in almost constant terror of disasters happening (for example, you can guarantee that, if you are flying somewhere on holiday, some sort of disaster will take place in or near your destination – volcanoes erupting, civil war, all the sorts of things that happen in Benidorm on a regular basis). Today I managed to terrify this sibling by posting a story about out-of-date sunscreen, and I posted a similar story about ticks the other day. I should imagine she is, even as I type, cowering behind locked doors with all the curtains closed to ward off the sun, grandchildren dressed in biohazard suits, so that she doesn’t have to use sunscreen on them or go out in the garden where ticks might be lurking in all sorts of places, waiting to jump up and attack!

blood pressure monitoring

b) Another sibling works for a large company whose initials might or might not be BP. This CHALLENGE only works if you have recently had your BLOOD PRESSURE checked, which I had this morning. I texted him afterwards, saying ‘BP down quite a lot’, which I thought was a perfectly harmless piece of good news but, apparently, it sent him rushing to check BP’s shares, thinking there’d been a sudden slump in the market and that he was going to become POOR! Laughed a lot at that!
c) Unfortunately, I have less success with the other two siblings because I have yet to find out anything of which they might be scared!
So there you are – BEATING A CHALLENGE can be immensely satisfying and set you up for the rest of the day. Now all I have to do is CHALLENGE myself to get the hoover out, but that’s the most terrifying CHALLENGE of all! Have a lovely afternoon!

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