lifestylesupportguru

Category: Challenge

Drinking Guidelines

Drinks!

A very good afternoon to you all. I have been asked by several (well, two, actually) followers for my thoughts on the latest government guidelines on drinking. I have thought long and hard about the official advice that men should reduce their maximum units from 21 to 14, in line with the recommended maximum units for women. Now, my first thought was that 14 units a day was ample, whether male or female, but I then realised that the recommendation was 14 units a WEEK! A WEEK! Good grief, how on earth do they imagine that ‘ordinary, working class people’ will manage on that?
You have to consider that a normal, stressful Monday will require the consumption of at least 4 units at the end of the day and that Fabulous Friday feeling will require a further four, perhaps even five, to fuel you for the weekend. This leaves you with, at most, six units for the whole weekend. Now, assuming that you wish to enjoy your Saturday night, this will demand another four units, which leaves you with two units for Sunday and nothing for the remaining weekdays. How will one cope with Tearful Tuesday, Woeful Wednesday and Thoroughly Miserable Thursday?

Raise Up

On top of that, the government has spent years trying to give parity between men and women in terms of pay and pensions by raising women’s salaries and women’s pension age to come in line with men’s. Why, suddenly, have they decided to bring men DOWN to the women’s level? That is just so UNFAIR? Raise women UP, don’t bring men DOWN!

And on that note of bringing men or women down or up (a fairly tenuous link, I must admit), I’m afraid I have to express some concern at an acquaintance (who may or may not be small and from Yorkshire and mentioned in previous posts) who cast doubt on the LSG’s ability to answer quiz questions. WHAT??? This was in spite of the fact that I had introduced him to pizzas without cheese (since he is allergic to it) and it was the first time he’d ever eaten a pizza. ‘INGRATITUDE is the worst of vices’, according to that well known 17th-century clergyman

Quiz Team

Thomas Fuller, so imagine how hurt I was when I (casually) mentioned that I had (unexpectedly) answered 12-15 questions correctly on a Christmas edition of University Challenge, including ones that the teams didn’t get right, and the Tiny Tyke (TT for short) said that everyone knows the questions on Celebrity Mastermind are easier. Followers, I gave him my TEACHER LOOK and said, coldly, ‘University Challenge, TT, NOT Celebrity Mastermind.’ Silence followed as he chewed at his cheeseless pizza.

A similar thing happened at the local pub quiz last night. The category was countries whose names ended in a vowel and the question was ‘Which country’s nickname is the ‘Hexagon’?’ Any teacher of French will know the answer straight away and I whispered the answer to TT to write down, but imagine my surprise when someone next to us (not taking part in the quiz and who, so I’m told, speaks several languages but clearly doesn’t ‘do’ geography) whispered ‘Belgium’. ‘Nice one’, said TT, ‘Thanks.’ and he started to write down ‘Belgium’. I pointed out to TT that a) my answer of France was correct, b) Belgium doesn’t end in a vowel and c) it doesn’t resemble a hexagon in any way.

I am all for EQUALITY – I just wish everyone else was! Enjoy Monday and your four units and remember – the Government is always right, even when it’s wrong.

The Joys of Getting Old

Old Fart

Having now been an Old Fart for almost two days, I felt I should share some of my thoughts with you on this new experience. Of course, the Lifestyle Support Guru ages gracefully, rather than just gets old, so the experience may be slightly different for mere mortals, but you will get the idea.

Firstly, what are the advantages of turning into an Old Fart?

1. The government gives you money – that said, although they tell you how much you’ll be paid weekly, they will actually pay you monthly, and that will be in arrears, so I haven’t yet had the chance to spend any of it (but there’s time!).
2. With this newfound wealth (once they’ve paid it to you), you will be able to go on HOLIDAY (a week in the Canaries is already booked) while everyone else is in work and you will get even more pleasure out of the HOLIDAY because you know that the younger element among your friends will not become Old Farts until they’re at least 93 and so will not be able to enjoy HOLIDAYS quite as much (and may even be dead).
3. As an Old Fart, you are practically EXPECTED to be rude to everyone, especially those younger than you, and they will not be able to answer you back because it’s not considered NICE to be rude to your elders, especially Old Farts.
4. It is compulsory to do your supermarket shop at the weekend, even though you’ve had all the

supermarket trolley

rest of the week to do it. In addition, you should stand chatting to someone, discussing the merits of different cat foods, while your trolleys completely block the aisle.
5. You can travel for free on the buses and you get concessions at all sorts of places – I may see if Glastonbury does Senior Citizen discounts.

Sauvignon Blanc

And the disadvantages?1. Nobody bats an eyelid when you say you are eligible for a concession, even though, inside, you are silently pleading with them to call you a liar because they refuse to believe you could possibly be that old!
2. You find yourself considering a blue rinse and a tight perm, so that you will blend in nicely with all the other Old Farts who seem to travel on the buses in the daytime.
3. People keep telling you that you can now wear purple – I HATE purple!
4. You wonder if it’s time to put your name down for a Damart magazine and start looking at all those lovely thermal vests.
5. Instead of silly, fluffy slippers, you start thinking about sensible ones that cover the whole of your foot and preferably in a nice tartan with a cosy fleece around the ankle.
6. You are seriously considering a shopping trolley (tartan, of course) and a bottle of sherry.

Being an Old Fart is what you make of it – I find that a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc helps me greatly to make the most of it! Here’s to next year’s Winter Fuel Allowance – that should buy a bottle or two of Bristol Cream!

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Happy

Happy lightness

A very good evening to all my followers! As winter draws (and drawers) ever nearer, I felt you might need some help and encouragement in seeing your way through these cold, dark nights. I have previously written about looking at the positive side of things, but I now have some further support to offer, having had some experience this week of looking on the bright side of life (hmm, that could be good title for a song…). Much of this advice is particularly pertinent to those of you who wear glasses or contact lenses – and for those of you who don’t, believe me – it will happen at some point!

sun glasses

You will need to visit your local, friendly optician for an eye test (free for those of us over a certain age) and casually drop into the conversation that you will be going to Africa in the near future so you wonder if you should get a pair of varifocals with light-reactive lenses, because it’s bound to be sunny and at the moment you only have a pair of boring, non-light-reactive bifocals (again, age will bring these delights for those of you who don’t need them just yet) which you wear as little as possible.
You think this might be a sensible (but expensive) idea in case you get some grit in your eye whilst on safari or lying on a sandy beach on Zanzibar (your local, friendly optician may start to look annoyed at this point) and have to remove your lenses and wear glasses instead. You explain that a few weeks ago you had to wear your glasses for longer than usual AND out in public (a rare occurrence) and it happened to be a sunny day (you may recall that day – August 17th, if my memory serves me well), so the only solution was to wear a pair of plain sunglasses on top of the ‘ordinary’ glasses. Now, while the Lifestyle Support Guru can get away with such a look, it is not something that ordinary mortals should cultivate because people will look at you in an odd fashion.

old shoe

Your local, friendly optician, realising that you have already spent a fortune on the forthcoming trip to Africa (threadbare clothes, shoes with no soles, that sort of thing), will suggest a much cheaper option of daily contact lenses to take with you (I think he was still trying to picture the LSG driving around wearing sunglasses on top of ordinary glasses), which you agree sounds much more acceptable – and probably less frightening for those one might meet on one’s travels!
Your local, friendly optician then asks if you have any other questions and you mention that you have seen a product which might relieve your ‘dry eye’ problem (which is a bit misleading because ‘dry eye’ actually makes your eyes water!), which is an eye mask that is heated in the microwave before placing it over the eyes for 5-10 minutes. He agrees that this might be helpful and this is where the ‘looking on the bright side’ comes in – instead of feeling sad that you are getting older and things are starting to fall apart, you can feel happy because you now have an excuse to go back to bed for 10 minutes because you need to lie down in a darkened room twice a day!

Lying down for 10 minutes

And the other experiences of looking on the positive side? An acquaintance offers earlier in the week to come round on Saturday morning to discuss possible plans for your garden (I use that term loosely), but you realise that you’d rather go and see ‘Spectre’ on Saturday, so you seek him out in the pub (where I meet most of my acquaintances) to offer your apologies and arrange another date. However, before you can say, ‘I’m really sorry, but something really urgent has come up tomorrow morning, so could we postpone the garden inspection?’, the acquaintance apologises profusely for not coming around THIS morning! ‘No problem!’ you reply sweetly, ‘We’ll rearrange it for another time. I can’t do tomorrow, though.’
And, finally, that ‘bright side’ moment when you realise you are up there with the ‘big players’. You have finally filled in your Tax Return (this is not a BIG Tax Return, believe me) after putting it off for months and you give details of the interest earned on your current account – a MASSIVE 13 pence! I think that’s probably more than Starbucks, Amazon and Google have paid put together, so I think George Osborne should be really grateful!

Always look on the bright side of life, dadah, dadadadadadah…
Enjoy your weekend, devoted acolytes!

Inspiration, Aspiration and Motivation

Justin Bieber

Following the wonderfully inspirational quote by Justin Bieber posted by DOT (Dai of Tanzania) – ‘You don’t need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn’t make you a Taco.’ – I have realised that I have missed a marvellous opportunity to encourage my faithful followers and dedicated devotees. In my wisdom, therefore, I have chosen some of the most inspirational, aspirational and motivational sayings I could find and will interpret them for you so that you may live longer, more fulfilling and happier lives.
1. ‘Don’t be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone…’ (Andy Biersack)
I believe that this is one that all England rugby supporters should take to heart after their defeat in the World Cup. I also believe that anyone with the name Biersack should be an inspiration to all!
2. ‘When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, believe me, it has nothing new to say.’

When the past calls …

This only works if you have succeeded in setting up Voicemail on your phone, which I haven’t. Personally, I would say, ‘When the past calls, it usually means you’ve forgotten to pay a bill.’
3. ‘When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.’ (Persian proverb)
This only applies if there are no clouds in the night sky, so I would amend it to ‘When it is dark enough, you know it is night – or you’re in a tunnel.’
4. ‘We can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough.’ (Helen Keller)
This is clearly about diets, but life is too short to be on a diet ALL the time!
5. ‘Your goal should be just out of reach, but not out of sight.’ (Denis Waitley and Remi Witt)
It’s a bit like looking for things in the kitchen cupboard, isn’t it? The tomato ketchup is always at the back, just out of reach, but not out of sight. I suggest you get a small stepladder for such occasions.
6. ‘Every ceiling, when reached, becomes a floor, upon which one walks as a matter of course and prescriptive right.’ (Aldous Huxley)
I can only assume that dear old Mr Huxley had had too much to drink – I have found that ceilings become floors (and vice versa) after a little too much Pinot Grigio.
7. ‘Wisdom is better than gold or silver.’ (German proverb)
But you can’t spend wisdom, so I’d go for the gold and silver every time.
8. ‘Learn to hold loosely all that is not eternal.’ (A. Maude Royden)
This is clearly about men’s underpants – need I say more?

Rust Never Sleeps!

9. ‘The more a man knows, the more he forgives.’ (Catherine the Great)
Not with some of the men I know! More like ‘The more a man knows, the more he’ll try to tell you about it in great detail.’ One could, of course, change it: ‘The more a woman knows, the more hold she has over you.’

And, finally, my favourite:
10. ‘Rust never sleeps.’ Sibling, circa Oct 2015
This is the mantra by which we should all live our lives. Never has a truer word been spoken and I find myself repeating this under my breath throughout the day. If nothing else, it ensures that no one sits next to you on the bus as you whisper to yourself, ‘Rust never sleeps.’

Sleep well, dear acolytes!

Of course, “Rust Never sleeps” has several deeper meanings, as you can see in this beautiful video from The Australian Corrosion Association.

Although you may prefer Neil Young’s Version from his album.

Ask the LSG – hate my job!

London Bus

As some of you may have read, I have been asked to help with a problem by one of our secret group and I have given much thought to this. Basically, Bruce has a problem with his work – he doesn’t like it! In case you didn’t understand his London accent in his post, I shall translate for you:
“I am currently in a job I hate. I get abused and spat at by the public who treat me like dirt. Being a London night bus driver is a very dangerous job and the public don’t even have the decency to abuse me in a language I understand! The management always take the side of the disgruntled passenger; indeed, any incident is the driver’s fault. This is mainly because the management wish to reduce the wage bill as there is a massive influx of EU workers in London who are willing to work for little more than minimum wage . So why do I do the job? £40k plus overtime, free family travel, free uniform and a half-decent pension.
So my question to the lsg do I continue wiping the spittle from my brow and think of the money or move on and be poor but potentially happier and have more chance of living on a state pension one day?”

Money

Well, Bruce, there are several ways of looking at this. Let’s take the positives first:
1. The MONEY!
2. The PENSION (which also counts as MONEY)!
3. FREE family travel (this also counts as MONEY)!
4. The UNIFORM – everyone knows that all the girls like a man in uniform! (This also counts as MONEY because you don’t have to wear out your own clothes – except for underwear, of course, but we’ll leave that subject alone for now).
5. Spittle is FREE (if unpleasant), so this doesn’t cost MONEY!

Welsh Flag

Now, the negatives:
1. You have problems with the language in which you are being abused. There is a very simple answer to this – learn WELSH and answer them back in a language THEY don’t understand (unless you happen to get a Welsh male voice choir on the bus one night, in which case you’ll be covered in spittle anyway because of all those ‘ll’ and ‘ch’ sounds)
2. The management always take the side of the disgruntled passenger – having known you for a number of years, I have to ask if you are being too nice to the management instead of showing them what a REALLY disgruntled bus driver you can be? Your father (aka The Rottweiler) didn’t bring you up to be pleasant to everyone, now did he?
3. You have tried being poor before – and you didn’t like it!

Rottweiler

Taking everything into consideration, I would go with being extremely unhappy but reasonably well off and wait for the state pension to be added to your bus driver’s pension – then you can travel round London for free, abusing as many bus drivers as you like (in WELSH, once you have learnt it) and being a nuisance to the management by showing them what a REALLY DISGRUNTLED passenger is! Your life will then be complete and you can sail off into the sunset (because you will now be able to afford a small dinghy), knowing you have upset as many people as possible!
I hope this answer has helped

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