lifestylesupportguru

Category: Cat

You CAN Live Well for Less – If You’re Not An Idiot!

order on line

A very good afternoon from the Lifestyle Support Guru. Today, I wish to offer a cautionary little tale, as recounted to me by a close friend, in the hope that I may save you some money. Let me set the scene:
This close friend, having successfully ordered groceries on a previous occasion using ‘Click and Collect’, decided to use this facility again, partly because this stops her wandering around the store itself and ending up buying things she doesn’t need (I.e. clothes) and partly because it means she doesn’t have to get annoyed with others of the older generation who seem to think that supermarket shopping is some sort of social occasion, blocking the aisles while they discuss their ailments and what they watched on telly last night .
The friend goes to collect her order and the very nice ‘Click and Collect’ man (no, you can’t actually click and collect a man, but one can live in hope…) tells her that there is only one change to her order. The conversation goes as follows
CacMan: They’ve only managed to supply 11 packets of frozen Golden Vegetable Rice, not the 12 you ordered.
Friend: TWELVE??? (in a high-pitched squeal, an octave higher than normal)
C: Didn’t you want 12?
F: (Still in a voice that only dogs would be able to hear) No, I only wanted 2. I haven’t got the freezer space for 12.
C: That’s OK. I can change the order.
F: Oh, thank you so much.
C: Don’t worry – people do that all the time. I had one customer who wanted 3 kilos of bananas but ordered 30 kilos by mistake. Took me half an hour to load them into her car.

CacMan loads the rest of the order into the car and the friend decides to say nothing when this includes a bag containing 12 packets of the most expensive cat food (because, like the LSG, she

tempt the cat

has pets of the feline variety), which she only uses as a special treat or to tempt a jaded palate and normally buys just in ones or twos. Luckily, she knows they won’t go to waste because Malcolm-the-strangely-named-cat-from-Australia (yes, by an AMAZING coincidence, the close friend also has a cat with such a name – who’d have thought it?) is a little under the weather at the moment, so she needs to try and feed him up.

And the lesson to be learned? When ordering online, don’t assume that putting a 2 in the ‘Quantity’ box will automatically replace the default 1 – it simply adds it next to the 1 to make 12!

I think Sainsbury’s (other supermarkets are available) needs to change its slogan:
‘You CAN live well for less…if you’re not an idiot’.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, dear followers, and eat well. I’m thinking of a nice rice salad accompanied by ‘steamed tuna in a tasty gravy for your favourite feline companion’.

That Moment When …

A warm welcome to all my faithful followers!
I am aware that two or three believers have posed questions which I have not yet answered – how to deal with ‘friending’ your old English teacher, what to do when the underwire in your bra becomes an ‘overwire’ (don’t lose interest here, chaps – this could well be one of you one day, if not already) and how to deal with all those vouchers you get from those well-known stores but which you forget to redeem. However, today’s subject is one which I am sure will resonate (everything has to ‘resonate’ these days, I find) with you all, and it is called, quite simply…

THAT MOMENT WHEN…

– … you realise you should have stayed on nodding terms with that couple in the pub instead of accidentally getting into conversation with them after two years (blame the alcohol) and learning all the unnecessarily intimate details about his hernia.

Malcolm

– …you hope that your next-door neighbour isn’t awake at four in the morning and listening through the walls when Malcolm-the-strangely-named-cat-from-Australia decides to sleep on your head and the neighbour hears ‘No, Malcolm; get off, Malcolm; no, that hurts, Malcolm (as he ‘massages’ your scalp with his claws); please don’t do that, Malcolm; ah, that’s better, Malcolm; ooh, yes, Malcolm, that’s nice.’ (as he strokes your face with his paw and whiskers).
– …you realise why your new umbrella only cost £1 when it turns inside out at the slightest sign of a breeze.
– …you are singing along to a ‘Driving Songs’ CD as you head up the M1 to Bradford (that’s another story) and realise – with a strange mixture of pride and sorrow – that you know all the words to C W McCall’s ‘Convoy’.
– …you realise you have become an adult when you make a conscious decision NOT to wear a cream jumper on a night out in Bradford, knowing you’ll end up going for a curry.
– …you realise that owning a sports car is no longer on your list of ‘things I want’ because you’d never be able to get in and out of it with anything resembling dignity and, besides, they look so UNSAFE, so close to the ground!

I’m sure you all have your own ‘that moment when…’ memories – feel free to share!
Enjoy your week!

The Perfect Host

Hosting guests

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru!
Some time ago, I posted some advice on being the PERFECT GUEST. This evening I wish to expand on this, having hosted a weekend of VISITORS

. This time, if you follow this advice, you will ensure that everyone has a WONDERFUL TIME, whether as HOST or GUEST. Although there may seem to be a lot of instructions, they are really quite easy to follow and require little more than a group bus ticket and some stamina.

1. GUESTS should coordinate their arrival perfectly to ensure they all turn up at the same time – this means that the HOST has no time to worry about those last-minute arrangements, such as fresh flowers, which always add that little welcoming touch, I think. That said, I’m not sure that three hulking men away for a weekend of watching rugby and football would necessarily have noticed a lovely flower arrangement so, on second thoughts, don’t bother with the flowers. So there you are: you already have less to worry about!
2. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.

wine

3. Take your GUESTS and other friends on a tour of the local area to show them the lovely sights of Derbyshire – the Little Chester Ale House, the Black Bull’s Head, the Thorn Tree, the Five Lamps, the Coach and Horses (bar AND lounge).
4. Check how much wine you have in the fridge
5. One GUEST may tell you that he ALWAYS wakes up early, so he’ll go out for a walk in the morning to avoid disturbing everyone else. The HOST will come downstairs at about 9 the next morning to find the insomniac GUEST still

Laughing Cat

fast asleep on the sofa bed. The HOST should clean up the little mess on the carpet at the bottom of the bed which has been kindly left by one of the cats, but which has not woken the GUEST, even though the noise of a cat being sick is usually enough to wake the dead.
6. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
7. Supply tea, coffee, toast as required, then wonder what the neighbours will think of one GUEST wandering around the garden in a t-shirt and underpants, which he decides will suffice instead of going for an early morning walk.
8. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
9. The HOST should have a shower and stay upstairs drying hair and trying to repair the ravages of the previous day’s excesses so that GUESTS have time to wash up cups and plates (before the HOST points to the dishwasher).
10. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
11. The HOST should take the GUESTS to a restaurant to taste the local specialities – a selection of tapas – before the party heads to another local hostelry (the Golden Eagle) for an afternoon’s rugby and more local specialities, this time garlic Scotch eggs. Eventually, at 9 pm, the insomniac GUEST will decide that he’s had enough so will be escorted home by the HOST who should ensure that he makes it safely to bed before returning to meet up again with the other GUESTS. The Ale House and Coach once more benefit from the GUESTS (minus one) and HOST wishing to make sure that they have no money (or brain cells) left at the end of the day.
12. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.

Large glass red wine

13. Wave goodbye to GUESTS the following morning (well, two out of three guests – one is having so much fun, he decides to stay another night).
14. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
15. Monday morning: wave goodbye to the final GUEST after showing him the little dead bird that another of the cats felt would be a spectacular leaving present… and BREATHE!
16. Check how much wine you have in the house.

Satisfaction guaranteed with very little effort.

The Mosquito Curtain, Cats and Exercise

beer in fridge

A very good and sweltering evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! It’s so hot, I have been forced to get a cold Peroni from the fridge – purely to hold against my forehead to help me cool down, you understand.
Tonight’s post is one I am sure you can all relate to – how to leave the back door open without every fly in the neighbourhood coming in to have a party around the cats’ food dishes (substitute ‘dog’ or ‘child’ if you prefer). (Small pause to hold cold bottle against forehead.); so this evening’s advice is HOW TO PUT UP A MOSQUITO CURTAIN and GET MORE EXERCISE at the same time:
1. Purchase a mosquito net curtain from your nearest garden centre (although you can probably find them in Poundland at far less than I paid!).

Mosquito net

2. Once at home, remove the curtain from the box and study the instructions carefully, which are in pictures only – words could not do it justice! It says on the box ‘No tools required’, but what do you find in the very first picture? – a dodgy-looking cartoon character holding a long ruler and pencil against the top of the door frame. In my world, a long ruler is classed as a TOOL! Ignore this particular diagram.
3. Place the two halves of the curtain on the floor, as shown in the diagram, so that the magnets which hold the halves together are lined up. So far, so good.

Charlie

4. Spend the next ten minutes removing a cat from one half of the curtain – Malcolm seems to think this is a new game which involves wrapping himself inside the curtain.
5. Carefully place Velcro strips (supplied) around the outer edges of the two halves. It’s all going swimmingly!
6. Spend another ten minutes unsticking your fingers from the sticky bit of the Velcro strips when you removed the backing tape in order to stick them to the curtains.
7. Carefully carry the curtains to the back door and position them with great precision (who needs a long ruler?? Ha!). ‘Grand Designs’, eat your heart out!
8. Spend a further ten minutes unsticking your fingers from the sticky bits of the Velcro strips

Molly

when you remove the other bits of backing tape in order to stick the curtain halves to the wall.
9. Stand back and admire your handiwork and spend ten minutes showing the cats how the

curtains pull apart easily for them to go in and out. They learn quickly – providing you are actually holding the curtains apart.
10. Leave the back door open, secure in the knowledge that there will be no more flies in your kitchen and go and do something else (I find Microsoft Solitaire Daily Challenge passes the time nicely).
11. Go back half an hour later to see if there are any flies in the kitchen and you are delighted to find that there is NOT A SINGLE ONE! However – there’s always a ‘however’, isn’t there? – you will find that you now have three cats sitting outside in a straight line staring disconsolately at the beautifully placed MOSQUITO NET, unable to work out how to get back in the house!
So where does MORE EXERCISE come in? Well, you now have to traipse back and forth to the kitchen several times a day, opening and closing the curtains to allow the cats to go in and out.

Enjoy the rest of your evening! I’m off to find another cold bottle for my forehead!

How To Hide the Cat!

bed and duvet

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight I am going to give you some advice on HIDING A CAT, although I am sure it could be adapted for small dogs and children, should you so desire.
These are the steps to follow:
1. Feeling positive about summer coming, you decide to change your winter duvet for a summer one (but keep the electric blanket on the bed, just in case).
2. Remove the summer duvet from the drawer under the bed and replace it with the winter one, which has to be squashed in because it’s a lot thicker.
3. Having changed the bed, sit down to do something mindless on the computer before going to watch something mindless on television.
4. When you hear a faint meow and a slight scrabbling, you think you must have shut one of the cats (let’s call him Charlie, just for the sake of argument) in a wardrobe, so you check but find nothing. (The more astute among you will already know where this is going.)
5. Sit back down at the computer and hear another meow and some more scrabbling, so you

Charlie

wonder if, somehow, Charlie managed to hide away in the winter duvet when you squashed it (rather brutally) into the drawer. With thoughts of a suffocated cat wrapped up in a heavy duvet, you pull open the drawer and tug the duvet out, but find no sign of a squashed cat.
6. Back to the computer, assuming that the cat must be downstairs doing his ‘I’m dying of starvation’ pathetic little meow because he hasn’t been fed for at least ten minutes, BUT … another pathetic meow and more faint scrabbling, so you open the drawer AGAIN, pull out the duvet AGAIN and suddenly the cat appears as if BY MAGIC! Somehow, he has managed to squeeze himself into the gap between the back of the drawer and the underside of the bed and has obviously been sitting there for the last ten minutes wondering what sort of new game you are playing!
7. Spend the next ten minutes giggling as you imagine what must have been going through Charlie’s mind as he sat in the dark under the bed, occasionally emitting a quiet meow – he is the most gentle of cats, so it wouldn’t have occurred to him to get annoyed and make more noise!
8. Feel grateful that it wasn’t one of your other cats that you’d shut in because they would right now be sitting plotting their revenge!
Enjoy the rest of your evening and make the most of the couple of days of summer that seem to be creeping up on us.

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