lifestylesupportguru

Category: Advice

A Sad Day

It is with a heavy heart and an ineffable (lovely word!) sadness that I have to tell you that, I, the Lifestyle Support Guru, have had to make an executive decision and withdraw the privileged status of ‘Honorary Welshman’ from one of the select few on whom this honour has been bestowed. Some of you may know this person, since I have referred to him in previous posts. It is none other than TT, the Tiny Tyke!

‘How has this unprecedented event come about?’ I hear you cry. ‘We know that he has accompanied you on trips to Pontypridd, Llandudno, and other places such as Rugby and Market Harborough on rugby weekends, supporting Wales with almost as much fervour as a REAL Welsh person (except when Wales is playing England, of course, but allowances can be made).’

Let me set the scene …
The TT enjoys nothing more than a quiz, and he has a wide range of knowledge, although he can be a little impetuous at times in his eagerness to give an answer, as was the case when he was involved in a head-to-head fastest-first tie breaker where the LSG was question master some years ago:

LSG: What was the name of Ebenezer Scrooge’s business partner in ‘A Christmas Carol’?
TT: Bob Marley!
I couldn’t speak for laughing at the thought of Bob Marley and Scrooge Jammin’ together!

At other times, he cannot be talked out of an answer if he’s convinced he’s right, especially if he’s got the pen:
The TT was in a team of four, one of whom was a French teacher (although TT was unaware of this at the time) – this is an important point to keep in mind.
The question was: ‘What is the English name for the French wine area of Bourgogne?’
TT immediately wrote down ‘Bordeaux’ and could not be talked out of this answer, even though the French teacher tried to tell him it was ‘Burgundy’ and that the English name for Bordeaux is … Bordeaux. (She modestly didn’t tell him about her linguistic qualifications!) It was the LSG who had to put him straight at the end of the quiz.

So, what is the quiz-related heinous crime that has been committed by TT? Last night it was my turn to do the Sunday quiz at the local and TT decided to come along since he wasn’t at work today, so he didn’t need an early night. The first ten questions were on St David and St Patrick – in reality, questions on Wales and Ireland – and the very first question was ‘What flower is the national emblem of Wales?’
The teams swap answer sheets to mark, so it wasn’t until the end of the quiz that I was informed of TT’s answer by the team that marked his sheet – he had written ‘Shamrock’! SHAMROCK!!!
TT said that he had ‘misheard’ the question (which was asked twice), but how can you ‘mishear’ ‘flower’ and ‘Wales’ for ‘plant’ and ‘Ireland’?
Tiny Tyke, it will take a lot of grovelling and many more rugby weekends to be considered even remotely for the reinstatement of the honour of being an ‘Honorary Welshman’! A sad day for England and Yorkshire!

Try Not To Laugh Challenge – Funny Cat & Dog

Not A Grumpy Cat

The Lifestyle Support Guru loves cats and often posts about them. As she and you probably know, cats are notoriously independent and have a mind of their own. Can you really teach a cat new tricks? Sometimes, their antics are so funny, pet owners just have to video them to show others what their cats and dogs do. Take a look at the video below to see some real howlers from your favorite animals. And read through the tips to try and discipline your cat!

Can You Train A Cat?

Training your cat takes time and patience. It takes more of that than it does with a dog. A sure fire way to get results is to use positive reinforcement. Whatever you do, don’t scold your cat because she is likely to just misbehave when you aren’t looking. Instead, praise good behavior and have the video camera ready! Any cat can learn. It is wise to first start when the pet is young, about eight to ten weeks old. But the pet can do well at any age. And if you are ready with the camera, you may well get some funny footage as the cat interacts with you or just has to misbehave to show their independence.

To Get Started

How do you get started? The first thing to start with is training your cat to come when called. Hold your cat’s favorite treat and call his name. You’ll want to make sure he’s in a good mood. You’ll also want to make sure there isn’t a lot of noise either. Distractions will slow down the cat or confuse him. Decide on one command and use it solely. The command should be short and easy to say. For example, “come kitty” works well or “here kitty” will work too.

Now, get down on her level by sitting or kneeling on the floor. Give the command. Make sure your voice is exciting and happy. When the cat comes to you, reward him with the treat. Also, ensure that you praise the cat as well. Then, move away and do the same thing again. The goal is to use the same tone of voice and the same command. Work on it for no more than ten minutes. If the cat is bored or frustrated, stop for the time. Try to do this two or three times a day for about a week. Once he gets this command, you can move on to others. For some cats, the thought of a treat will have them running so fast, they may even fall over themselves. Others may just act bored, then steal the treat when you are not looking!

The Crate Or Cat Carrier

When it comes to the cat carrier, it can be done a little simpler. Cats like warm dark places so put a comfortable blanket and maybe even a favorite toy of the cat’s inside the crate. Give him praise when you place him in it. Then, leave him there for a few minutes. Let him out within three to five minutes. Don’t praise him when he’s coming out of the crate because you do not want him to think this is the good thing. Make sure to reward him, though whenever he goes in. Leave the cat in the crate a little longer each time. Eventually your cat will be trained well enough to keep him in there. Except that when it is time to go to the vet’s or the holiday kennels, your cat will be nowhere to be found, especially not near the crate.

I hope these simple tips will show you how useful it can be to give your cat a little discipline.

Avoiding People

A very good evening to you all! I’m back! Have you missed me? Did you notice my absence? I expect you did – life without the Lifestyle Support Guru is not really life, it’s just a meaningless existence. Fear not, I am here to give shape and meaning to your life once more and, to start you off, I am going to give you some advice on ‘avoiding people’ which may help you should you find yourself in similar difficult circumstances.
1. An acquaintance from another part of the country texts you to say that he would like to call in on you on his way to somewhere else. There are two problems –
i) you have already arranged to meet a friend for an outing to the cinema
ii) you know that ‘call in’ is a euphemism for ‘stop the night and eat you out of house and home’ (well, out of Pot Noodles at the very least)
You inform a friend of this and she says she’s quite happy to offer him a cup of tea and then send him on his way, so you pass this information on to the acquaintance, who’s quite happy with that. You head off to the cinema with a spring in your step and enjoy the film. However, all pleasure disappears when you leave the cinema and receive a text from your friend to say that the acquaintance is still around and is hoping that you will join them in the pub. Knowing that this will lead to the overnight stay mentioned earlier, and which you really wish to avoid, you reply and ask the friend to tell the acquaintance that she thinks you are going to be a while yet because you are going on for a meal.

Now, there is a slight problem here that I haven’t yet mentioned – if you catch the bus home, you will have to pass directly in front of the pub where the acquaintance is being entertained by your friend (who has far more patience than you) and the scenario you are dreading will come to pass if he spots you. So, what do you do? This method works:
• You hang around in town for an hour or more, calling in for a coffee now and again at nearby cafés, and helping a little old lady who has fallen over, before catching the bus and scurrying to the house where you sit in darkness for two hours, not daring to turn on the lights or television, until you get the ‘All clear’ text from your friend. What jolly japes!

2. An acquaintance from another part of the country turns up unexpectedly on your doorstep one afternoon, saying that he is just ‘calling in’ on his way to another destination. You invite him in and offer him a cup of tea, which he drinks and then promptly falls asleep, stretched across your sofa. He wakes up and says that he’ll take you out for a meal a little later (translation: I’m hoping for a bed for the night), then falls asleep again. So, what do you do? This method works:
• You go into the kitchen and ring your landline from your mobile (don’t EVER get rid of your landline!). When you answer the landline, you hold a one-sided conversation along the lines of: ‘NOOO!! How could he do that just after Christmas? And he’s left you with the kids? NOOO!! I’ll be straight round!’ You then turn to the acquaintance and explain that your best friend’s husband has just walked out and left her with two children under three and you need to go and see her, so you’ll have to ask him to leave because you may have to stay the night with the friend. The acquaintance drives off and you drive off behind him, turning in a different direction to drive up to the top of a local mountain in the Welsh valleys where you sit for an hour or two until you’re pretty sure that the acquaintance won’t still be hanging around (in case he saw through your story!) before you go home. What jolly japes!

3. You are at home one Saturday lunchtime, reading and enjoying a refreshing glass of lager, while your husband is upstairs doing some DIY. You look through the window and spot some feckless student coming down the road, knocking on doors and obviously trying to sell something. You’re not in the mood for small talk and trying to get out of buying something you don’t want, and the feckless student will spot you through the window, so you take your book and your drink to the cupboard under the stairs, where there’s a little seat, and settle yourself down until he goes away. This method almost works:
• As expected, the student knocks, but he doesn’t go away because … your husband answers the door and invites him in!! Said husband then offers the student a lager and sits talking to him and looking at the lithographs he’s trying to sell. Eventually, the student gets ready to leave and your husband says, ‘Oh, before you go, would you like to meet the wife?’ and he opens the cupboard door to reveal you sitting there with your book and glass of lager! The husband had spotted the student from upstairs and realised what you’d done to avoid him! The jolliest jape of all!
Good night all!

A Christmas Message from the LSG

A very merry Christmas to you all! I am delighted to share my Christmas message with you all today, especially since it’s after Her Majesty’s, so you will already have fallen asleep in front of the television stuffed full of turkey or nut roast and several glasses of champagne, prosecco and wine – that’s you stuffed full, of course, not the television – and you will now be ready for some uplifting words of wisdom and support to help you through the rest of the evening and the days that follow until you can fall meekly into 2019!

Even though I have the body of a weak and feeble woman – my doctor might disagree slightly with that description – I have the heart and stomach of a demi-god and can help you negotiate a safe path through the trials of a hectic time until you can relax with a small glass of dry sherry at the end of the day and watch whichever repeats may be offered to you as entertainment. (I can recite verbatim almost every script from Morecambe and Wise!)

I hope you enjoyed Christmas morning, although I suspect many of you were probably up around 4 am with the excitement – and that’s just the adults! – and are now ready to fall asleep again. I hope you haven’t already run out of batteries or found that you bought the wrong size and won’t be able to get any now until tomorrow. If that’s the case, the rest of Christmas night is going to be a disaster, I’m afraid. You’re going to have to resort to Monopoly, Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit instead of Hungry Hippos and Lego robots.
If you went to church, I hope you took a good slurp of communion wine in preparation for the fray.
I shan’t send you a message from God because I don’t know which god or gods you worship, or even if you worship one. That is entirely up to you – personally, I favour the Ancient Greek and Roman ways of worshipping different gods for different things and I particularly like Vesta, the Roman goddess of the hearth, home and family – how can you not worship a goddess who created delightful dishes such as Vesta curry, paella and chow mein? And I think she had a son called Pot Noodle.
Anyway, I digress. The Christmas message I want to send to all of you is one of hope, faith and charity.
Hope that you made it to the end of Christmas day without trying to murder that ageing aunt who insisted on telling you how much better she could have cooked the lunch if only she could stand for long enough, but you resisted the urge to tell her that she should have stayed off the sherry in that case!

Faith in yourself to cater for all the family, including the picky eater, the vegetarian and the vegan, the one who won’t eat sprouts and the cousin who insists on ONLY eating sprouts – just be glad he left straight after lunch to visit his mother!

And charity – the charity to keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you … to meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors just the same.
I’m sure I’ve used those lines before …
And in case you want to know what I got for Christmas, just look at the accompanying photos to spot the treasure from youngest sibling, brought all the way from Australia.

And you will, of course, enjoy looking at the genuine Armani watches I bought from a lovely street seller as a Christmas treat for myself, one in black, one in white (genuine plastic watchstraps, and one works on what I call ‘Armani time’, falling behind by about ten minutes every two hours or whenever it feels like it – but that’s what you get for paying a lot of money for something).

And, finally, Christmas lunch in the sun – not a turkey or sprout in sight!

A very merry Christmas to you all!

Livestock Lessons

A very good day to you all from the Lifestyle Support Guru! It has been a little while since I offered any advice, but this morning I had to visit the vet’s, although I was 24 hours late and I feel that this was meant to be, otherwise I would not have witnessed scenes which taught me a lot in just half an hour.

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Molly

I was late because Molly the Mobster had realised that something was up yesterday when I didn’t have a second cup of coffee because I was taking her for her booster shot and I didn’t have time for a second cup. She shot off and hid under the bed in the spare room and I was unable to reach her – she just sat there purring as if to say, ‘Ha! I’m smarter than you! I know your exact habits!’

Thank goodness the vet doesn’t charge for missed appointments! Therefore, this morning I made sure I had a second coffee, thus fooling her completely. She followed me meekly downstairs, expecting treats, where I was able to pick her up and shove her into her carrier. She then sat there emitting a pathetic miaow from time to time, but I hardened my heart and carried her to the car.

So, where do lessons learned come in to this feline tale? Well, as soon as I got to the vet’s surgery, I realised I was seriously underdressed – there is now clearly a uniform for visiting the vet. It is as follows:

1. Leggings in a bright pattern, preferably with flashes of pink.
2. Pink trainers.
3. A turtle neck jumper, with splashes of pink.
4. A gilet, not necessarily pink, but preferably Barbour.
5. Blonde hair tied up in a loose bun (à la Meghan Markle).
6. A stretchy hairband (with the regulation flash of pink) holding aforementioned blonde hair off the face.
7. A white dog (any size).

I was wearing plain black trousers and a rust-coloured (luckily not rust-covered) jumper, a bobble-covered navy woollen jacket and nice, comfortable ‘granny’ shoes in an understated grey and I had a black cat with me rather than a white dog. I felt this was suitable attire for visiting a place that was going to take money off me – don’t look as if you can afford the exorbitant fees!

And this was where the second lesson came in. While I was studying the visions in pink sharing space in the waiting room, a man came in carrying a dog lead, but with no dog attached – my first assumption was that he had come to collect his pet, but no … he had come to let off steam! He started haranguing the poor receptionist about having to pay extra to his pet insurance company over and above the £800 a year he was already paying. £800!! I felt his pain! Apparently, the insurance company had told him that it was the vet’s fault for taking the dog’s tooth out when he brought him in for a scale and polish. (For a nanosecond I thought maybe I had wandered into the dentist’s by mistake.) Apparently, the insurance company wouldn’t pay for the extraction and were trying to say it was the vet’s fault for taking the tooth out in the first place. The receptionist was very patient and explained that this was the insurance company doing their usual thing of trying to wriggle out of paying for procedures. She then went on to say that they charged less than other vets (try telling that to my bank card!) because they know that the insurance companies will do what they can not to pay for ‘little extras’ (they are probably run by Philip Hammond). The man calmed down and went off, still carrying his empty dog lead and muttering to himself about rip-off insurance companies. And the lesson? If you want to take your anger out on someone, go to a vet’s surgery! (But I’m still wondering why he brought his dog lead with him.)

Molly was then called in to see the vet, who said she had lost weight (Molly, not the vet), but nothing to worry about, all the while looking at me as if to say, ‘Maybe you should follow Molly’s example.’ We then went back into reception where the following animals were called for: Holly (a nervous dog), Polly (a yappy dog) and Poppy (an old, grey dog with a sad face). Lesson 3? It is now clearly a legal requirement to give your pet a two-syllable name ending in ‘y’. I am well within the law.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

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