Advice on fashion, giant spiders and mad axemen

WARNING! Contains a SPIDER PHOTO!

Good evening, devoted followers! Lifestyle Support Guru here with a few random Friday night musings on NOTHING IN PARTICULAR but with some USEFUL ADVICE based on my experiences this week, up to and including this evening.

Visitor

1 (a). You need GOOD FRIENDS, especially ones who willingly volunteer to ‘look after’ unexpected potential visitors when you have a far more pressing appointment at M&S to consider buying an orange coat, followed by a visit to the cinema.
1 (b). You do not need BAD FRIENDS who laugh at you and ask incredulously, ‘How old are you?’ when you tell them the lengths to which you went to avoid this potential visitor after your pressing appointments at M&S and the cinema (with the BAD FRIEND – you know who you are, JW!).These lengths may include wandering aimlessly round town for two hours – with a brief interlude to help a little old lady who was feeling faint – then sitting at home with the lights off and not answering the phone until you are certain that the potential visitor has left the area.
2. If you are going to go out in public, even into a pub which has its share of unusual customers, make sure that you have not got DRESSED IN THE DARK. This season’s look does NOT include long brown skirt, thick grey tights, flat walking shoes with a thick, ribbed orange sole (not quite Christian Louboutin, DAAAHHLING!!), topped off with a baggy black jumper held together at the sides with safety pins (not quite Liz Hurley, DAAHHLING!).

Spider

3. BE BRAVE! When you are sitting in the aforementioned pub and you spot a movement on the floor out of the corner of your eye, just very surreptitiously lift your feet off the ground and watch a GIANT SPIDER make its way towards another table. Avoid the temptation to scream ‘GIANT SPIDER!’ and dash out of the pub, spilling drinks as you knock over tables in your eagerness to get out of the place. Such a waste of drink. Instead, make everyone else nervous as they spot your eyes following something on the floor. LEAVE IT TO OTHERS to panic and show themselves up as silly arachnophobes, especially when you know that the GIANT SPIDER is terrified out of its mind and just looking for a mate.
4. Think about the chances of dying at the hands of a MAD AXEMAN – it takes your mind off the GIANT SPIDER.