Tag Archives: calvin klein underpants

DOT calling LSG – Advice Please

I have received this heartfelt plea from DOT and, although I was going to post some sound advice about going oop north to Halifax, I felt this merited a more urgent response. Halifax can wait – we’ll always have Halifax, as Humphrey Bogart said so movingly in ‘Casablanca’ (or was that ‘Carry on, Casablanca’?).

“to: Lifestyle Support Guru

Tanzania

Tanzania

Message to LSG from DOT (Dai of Tanzania)
Dear LSG, I shall soon be making a brief (ha ha – you’ll get the joke later) visit to the UK, where I shall change from DOT (Dai of Tanzania) to DOT (Dai of Turkey). My letter is not about my change of name, but a necessary change in my circumstances.

Istanbul

Istanbul

I need a reputable place, recommended by you, to buy a complete new set of underwear. You may recall that on my last visit I also had a similar need and purchased 10 pairs from M&S. I can hear you wondering how I could have worked my way through 10 pairs of underwear in such a short time.
I didn’t.
The items in question were all several sizes too large and none of the assistants at the aforesaid shop pointed this out to me, or even raised an eyebrow.

men's underwear

boxer shorts

At first I found the extra room useful. I cut down enormously on my excess baggage to Tanzania by simply filling my underwear with towels, and other soft furnishings, such as pillows, a duvet, 2 waterbottles and 20 pairs of socks. They didn’t set off the alarm at the airport, and my body shape ensured that undesirables didn’t wish to seat themselves next to me. However, things haven’t gone as smoothly since.
I have had to learn to walk with a mincing step whilst in Tanzania: left hand firmly inside the back belt of my trousers holding on to the waistband of the undergarments to ensure they don’t end up around my knees. Occasional forgetfulness has me having to hunt, using my complete arm down inside the trousers, whilst smiling and nodding at alarmed passers-by. Shopping has become problematic as I often need both hands to carry the bags, and the faltering garments ensure the mincing steps become more exaggerated at these times, only able to move my lower limbs from the knees downwards, attracting unwanted attention.
I haven’t replaced them whilst here as I’m never sure that someone hasn’t worn said items previously.
So, all I want is a reputable place where the assistants will raise their eyebrows and ask suitable questions like, “Are these for your own use, sir?”, or “How many people are you expecting to get into each pair?”
Dear LSG. Please help. I can’t spend another 2 years like the last. And as you are a Support Guru, this seemed an appropriate plea.”

Oh, DOT, DOT, DOT … (Did you see what I did there? Ha ha!) What can I say? If only I had read this before I went to Netherthong in the Yorkshire Dales …
Firstly, I have to congratulate you on your highly inventive use of the extra luggage space created by your purchase of over-large undergarments. With careful marketing, you could branch out (so to speak) into the travel industry, offering Ryanair customers a foolproof means of packing all their holiday clothing without having to pay those pesky ‘hold luggage’ charges. (‘Hold luggage’ is not, I hasten to add, an order – that could lead to charges of a very different kind and at least one night’s stay in a local prison cell as you try to explain just what you were attempting to do with your arm buried down your trousers. I don’t think ‘Looking for my underpants’ will translate too well into Turkish.)

CHEESE

CHEESE

You could, of course, pop along to Derby’s Eagle Market, which still advertises itself as ‘Britain’s largest indoor market’ (even though it isn’t and, to my knowledge, never has been) to purchase more undergarments in a more appropriate size. Unfortunately, there is one immediate problem I can foresee – there’s only about one stall left in the market and that sells cheese. I do not recommend purchasing anything from this stall because a) you don’t eat cheese and b) using said cheese as a ‘filler’ for the previously-purchased garments could lead to even stranger looks from people and, probably, unwanted attention from dogs and other creatures with a strong sense of smell.
I can only see one solution and that is to ask a sibling (you have a choice of several) to accompany you next time you sally forth on a shopping trip and get him/her to read the labels on packs of undergarments BEFORE you purchase them. This could serve two purposes – i) hours of entertainment and amusement for passers-by as they watch you peering closely at labels, asking, ‘Does that say Large or Extra Large? I don’t want them round my knees again.’ and ii) a warm glow emanating from the sibling who was chosen because (s)he feels loved and wanted, although that warm glow could, equally, be emanating from sheer embarrassment.
Personally, I would recommend going to a town where you and/or glowing sibling aren’t known. Alfreton (see previous post) has some shops – and very few pubs, so you can wander round purchasing underpants in a variety of sizes without fear of being recognised or of going into a pub, drinking too much and ending up doing a Superman impression as you try on your new pants over your trousers.
I hope this helps. Do keep me informed.

Life Is Too Short

happy dance

Joie de Vivre

In view of the number of ‘greats’ who seem to have gone a little too early to the Rock Hall of Fame in the sky in the last few weeks, I thought it might be helpful if I gave you, my beloved followers, a few reasons to make sure that you live your life to the full before shuffling off this mortal coil. In other words, LIFE IS TOO SHORT…
1. …to worry about wearing matching underwear (or, in the case of male devotees, [fake] Calvin Klein underpants) in case you are run over by a bus. The conversation in A&E is not going to be (one hopes): ‘Oh no! I cannot treat this person who doesn’t have the style to wear matching bra and knickers or (fake) Calvin Klein underpants! Take them away and dress them properly, please, and then I will attend to their life-threatening injuries.’
2. …not to watch cute kitten/puppy videos which make you feel all gooey inside – the only other living creature who can do this is Idris Elba (insert your own ‘gooey’ person if Idris isn’t your ‘goo’ of choice), and you’re more likely to meet a cute kitten/puppy than meet Idris (or other ‘gooey’ person), so make the most of your chances to get that melting feeling (not to be confused with that feeling of melting because you’ve eaten a Vindaloo).
3. …to worry about diets. I don’t believe that we have evolved as a species to eat lettuce and

rabbit

cute bunny

carrots. If that were the case, we’d be rabbits and would probably feature in cute videos not featuring Idris Elba.
4. …to watch Eggheads. You are unlikely to meet a more self-satisfied, pompous and vainglorious (wonderful word!) group of people other than in Celebrity Big Brother or, maybe, the House of Commons.
5. …to count your alcohol units. This will become more and more irrelevant, anyway, as children will be required to use their fingers and toes instead of a calculator (latest government guidelines) and it’s virtually impossible to count using fingers and toes whilst holding a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc – believe me, I’ve tried, and have accidentally fallen over during the process, so imagine what it would be like for a mere mortal without my powers of control.
Sleep well – and let’s hope life isn’t TOO short and that you wake up tomorrow and read this!