Funerals Are Good For You

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A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru. This evening I intend to help you understand that, contrary to popular belief, funerals are not something to dread but, rather, events to be enjoyed and cherished.
Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been ill for some time and, probably like the rest of you when you attend funerals, was not particularly looking forward to it. However, I have to say that I came away afterwards with a smile on my face. ‘How could this be?’ you cry. ‘Funerals are sad affairs for saying goodbye to people. They require a copious supply of tissues and very little mascara.’ (Remember, boys, I’m also talking to you – never let it be said that the LSG favours one sex over the other in terms of tissues and mascara.)
Now, I have learned that the secret of a good funeral is who you talk to AFTERWARDS. The

Large glass red wine

Large glass red wine

mourners had been invited to partake of ‘light refreshments’ after the funeral at a local watering hole – so far, so good, I’m sure you’ll agree. I chose to sit with some friends who had placed themselves at the far end of the pub, away from the ‘professional’ mourners – i.e. the ones who sit staring into their drinks glasses with a sombre look on their faces for far longer than is necessary. I shall set the scene:
There was a small supply of the day’s newspapers at this ‘fun’ end of the pub and a headline caught my eye: ‘Jane gets herself into another fine mesh!’ If I tell you that this was NOT an accidental misspelling of ‘mesh’, but that underneath it was a picture of a blonde female in a VERY skimpy mesh one-piece in a particularly lurid shade of fuchsia, you will probably be able to work out which newspaper this was. I knew straight away that this could not be the Jane I know and admire so much because – a) she was blonde and b) Jane would never wear that particular shade of fuchsia.

Discussion moved seamlessly from mesh to TV programmes and I was especially intrigued by one friend who said he really enjoyed police programmes, particularly the ones featuring the ‘Head Loo’. I don’t watch many of this type of programme, but felt sure that I would have heard of one featuring a ‘Chief Toilet’. It wasn’t until he mentioned the Welsh police force that I realised he was referring to ‘Heddlu’ (more or less pronounced ‘hethlee’), which is Welsh for ‘Police’! How I laughed! 🙂
And finally, my greatest source of entertainment was a story told by another friend about a friend of hers who had just come back from holiday and felt that her nipples showed up too much under a white top she wanted to wear out, so she painted them with…Tippex (white correction fluid). All was well until she got home and was getting undressed for bed – her husband looked at her in horror and said, ‘Oh, my god, what’s the matter with you?’ – the Tippex was peeling off her nipples as she took off her bra and it looked as if she’d got some dreadful skin disease!
Impossible to top that story, so I felt it was time to go home – with a lighter heart and a smile on my face. 🙂

So that is today’s lesson – it’s not who you know, but who you sit with at funerals that can give you the best moments.
Sleep well, dear devoted followers!