Category Archives: Quiz

Testing Times

Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc

As the Lifestyle Support Guru, I feel that I need to test you from time to time. Fear not, though, fair followers, I shall not be giving you grades or putting you into league tables – no, no, no, this is purely to check how well you feel you know the LSG after having followed my musings and teachings for many moons. I shall ask a few questions and you will need to consider what the answer might be from a choice of three. I shall give the correct answers at the end, so no cheating and scrolling to the end before you have attempted the questions – think of this as the 11-plus for entry into the Grammar School of Life (the LSG’s GSL, so to speak).
The test should be completed in silence but you have as much time as you want to answer all the questions and you are permitted to have a glass of your particular choice of refreshment, such as wine, by your side to help you lubricate your brain cells – it is a known fact that dehydration slows down the thinking process; this why I am such a quick thinker because I never let dehydration slow me down.

1. Whenever I am at home, I always know when it is 12.45 p.m. without looking at a clock or my watch or listening to the radio. How do I know this?
a. Watching television
b. Nearby church bell chimes
c. An alarm clock permanently set at 12.45

2. You are in a pub ( use your imagination if you don’t usually go to a pub) and a woman with a

Wales

Wales

husky (the husky is actually irrelevant), upon finding out you are Welsh (if you’re not, again use your imagination and picture yourself as one of the luckiest people in the world), says that she would love to go to a certain Welsh town to see where The Prisoner was filmed. Where did she say she wanted to go?
a. Portmeirion
b. Port Talbot
c. Porthcawl

3. Another woman (same pub – can you see a pattern emerging here?), who has drunk a little more than is perhaps good for her (or for those in close proximity) asks if you pray. When you say that you don’t, she asks a follow-up question with a growing look of horror on her face: You’re not a/an … are you? What does she think you are:
a. A lycanthrope
b. A Buddhist
c. An atheist

4. Two sensible-looking men are in a pub (different pub from previous questions – just to add variety) and having a profound conversation about a forthcoming meeting. Are they discussing:
a. Deconstructing neoliberalism
b. Masculine fragility
c. Brexit and xenophobia

5. You are in a restaurant (makes a change from a pub) and you see a wedding group come out of the Register Office opposite – you can’t miss the group because the bridesmaids are in bright purple – and congregate in the Market Place for photos. What is the bridegroom holding in his right hand:
a. The bride’s left hand
b. A can of energy drink
c. His willy

The answers are: 1: c (I can’t work out how to turn it off); 2: b; 3: c; 4: all three (god, it was boring!); 5: b (don’t anyone try to tell me romance is dead! But wouldn’t you have loved it to be c or even all three?)

How did you do?
• 4 or 5 out of 5 – you may take my place when I’m on holiday
• 2 or 3 out of 5 – more practice and visits to the pub
• 0 or 1 out of 5 – you haven’t really paid attention to anything I’ve said over the last couple of years, have you?

Drinking Guidelines

Drinks!

Drinks!

A very good afternoon to you all. I have been asked by several (well, two, actually) followers for my thoughts on the latest government guidelines on drinking. I have thought long and hard about the official advice that men should reduce their maximum units from 21 to 14, in line with the recommended maximum units for women. Now, my first thought was that 14 units a day was ample, whether male or female, but I then realised that the recommendation was 14 units a WEEK! A WEEK! Good grief, how on earth do they imagine that ‘ordinary, working class people’ will manage on that?
You have to consider that a normal, stressful Monday will require the consumption of at least 4 units at the end of the day and that Fabulous Friday feeling will require a further four, perhaps even five, to fuel you for the weekend. This leaves you with, at most, six units for the whole weekend. Now, assuming that you wish to enjoy your Saturday night, this will demand another four units, which leaves you with two units for Sunday and nothing for the remaining weekdays. How will one cope with Tearful Tuesday, Woeful Wednesday and Thoroughly Miserable Thursday?

Raise Up

On top of that, the government has spent years trying to give parity between men and women in terms of pay and pensions by raising women’s salaries and women’s pension age to come in line with men’s. Why, suddenly, have they decided to bring men DOWN to the women’s level? That is just so UNFAIR? Raise women UP, don’t bring men DOWN!

And on that note of bringing men or women down or up (a fairly tenuous link, I must admit), I’m afraid I have to express some concern at an acquaintance (who may or may not be small and from Yorkshire and mentioned in previous posts) who cast doubt on the LSG’s ability to answer quiz questions. WHAT??? This was in spite of the fact that I had introduced him to pizzas without cheese (since he is allergic to it) and it was the first time he’d ever eaten a pizza. ‘INGRATITUDE is the worst of vices’, according to that well known 17th-century clergyman

Quiz Team

Thomas Fuller, so imagine how hurt I was when I (casually) mentioned that I had (unexpectedly) answered 12-15 questions correctly on a Christmas edition of University Challenge, including ones that the teams didn’t get right, and the Tiny Tyke (TT for short) said that everyone knows the questions on Celebrity Mastermind are easier. Followers, I gave him my TEACHER LOOK and said, coldly, ‘University Challenge, TT, NOT Celebrity Mastermind.’ Silence followed as he chewed at his cheeseless pizza.

A similar thing happened at the local pub quiz last night. The category was countries whose names ended in a vowel and the question was ‘Which country’s nickname is the ‘Hexagon’?’ Any teacher of French will know the answer straight away and I whispered the answer to TT to write down, but imagine my surprise when someone next to us (not taking part in the quiz and who, so I’m told, speaks several languages but clearly doesn’t ‘do’ geography) whispered ‘Belgium’. ‘Nice one’, said TT, ‘Thanks.’ and he started to write down ‘Belgium’. I pointed out to TT that a) my answer of France was correct, b) Belgium doesn’t end in a vowel and c) it doesn’t resemble a hexagon in any way.

I am all for EQUALITY – I just wish everyone else was! Enjoy Monday and your four units and remember – the Government is always right, even when it’s wrong.

Languages are fun – Quiz!

Dark Continent

Dark Continent

Now that I have returned from the Dark Continent, I felt I needed to share with you some of the things I have learned, one of which is that it is very easy to get by in Swahili with just a few words, BUT you need to make sure that you learn those words properly. The following examples – all taken from real life – will show you exactly how easy it is to make mistakes, especially when nervous and trying to say the right thing:

Role Play 1:
The Swahili for ‘Welcome’ is ‘Karibu’ or ‘Karibuni’.
Now imagine you are the retiring Head of an international school in, let’s say, Tanzania and you are attending your own retirement party in the school hall. How do you greet the assembled staff?
a) Karibu
b) Karibuni
c) Calamari
If you answered c), you have just called the staff a load of squid.

Role Play 2:
The Swahili for ‘Hello’ is ‘Mambo’ or ‘Jambo’.
Now imagine that you are a teacher walking out of the school gates, which are opened for you by a guard who is a local. How do you greet the guard?
a) Mambo
b) Jambo
c) Sambo
If you answered c), you have just put race relations back about 50 years! (If you answered a AND b, then you are not taking this seriously.)

Maribou

Maribou

Role Play 3:
You are on safari and your guide points out a large black and white bird. Trying to show off, you proudly announce that you know what it is. What do you say?
a) Marabou
b) Caribou
c) Karibu
The only correct answer is a), a marabou being a large stork. If you answered b), you are on the wrong continent, since caribou is the North American name for reindeer, and if you answered c), you clearly did not pay any attention to the information given in Role Play 1.

Role Play 4:
The Swahili for ‘Hello’ is ‘Habari’.
Now imagine that you wish to greet someone in the street. What do you say?
a) Habari
b) Haribo
The only correct answer is a). If you said b), then you have seen too many TV adverts.

Two of these were – gulp! – mistakes made by the LSG herself, proving that I, too, have some human frailties!

And there you are – ready for your first hesitant steps in Swahili, which will be of great use in Derby, Ponty, Devon, Non-Iron and many other places where I have FB friends. Hakuna matata!